I Knew Tessa Could Hold Her Breath
sex involves two people- in the middle of the Tate modern
- all the edibles I can eat
- jazz appreciation class
- the elderly cheese inspector
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I knew Tessa could hold her breath for several minutes, and presumably her cybernetic doppelgangers didn’t need air at all. There was no need to panic provided I talked Fleur out of getting into the tub.
“Darling,” I said with a flutter of my eyelids, “wouldn’t the bed be more suitable? I’ll join you as soon as I’m clean.”
She gave me a cockeyed grin and began to strip. I realized I had miscalculated. For most people, the notion of sex involves two people somewhere cozy and private. But for Fleur, it might involve multiple rugby teams in the middle of the Tate modern. While I spluttered helplessly and continued holding Tessa’s head underwater, Fleur finished undressing and put a toe into the suds.
“Nice and warm,” she cooed.
“Hang on,” I said. “My contract as commander of the comedy garrisons entitles me to all the edibles I can eat. And yet, there are none. I couldn’t share a bath with someone who’s in breach of contract.”
My wife narrowed her eyes at me. “Why didn’t you bring this up sooner? Where do you expect me to get them while we’re in flight?”
“Probably on the bridge,” I said with a smirk. “Oh, also, I need you to get yourself signed up for a jazz appreciation class before you come back. That’s in my contract, too.”
It wasn’t, though, and she knew it. I had overstepped. I held my breath even though mine wasn’t the head below the surface. But she drew her foot back and wrapped herself up in my robe and left the bathroom.
I lifted my hand so Tessa could sit up. She glared at me through the curtain of sudsy water draining from her hair. Then we heard Fleur’s voice, and Tessa ducked back down.
“Actually,” Fleur was saying as she came back into the bathroom, tucking her phone into a pocket of the robe, “seems like the galley has the best hookup for your… contractual fulfillments. Thing is, they have multiple kinds. How are you with fermented dairy? My connection is recommending a Camembert-based infusion. He can’t say how far out of code it is, but assures me it got a passing grade from the elderly cheese inspector.”
“Maybe you should sample it,” I enthused. “Take your time.”
bonus points for using them in order