Fleur’s Kissy-Fingers Routine
so odd and alarming- and tell them to be punctual
- on their faces and chests
- The pet shop owner’s brother was lying
- Even if you have a razor-sharp ax
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Fleur’s kissy-fingers routine was so odd and alarming that at first I did not respond. She glared at me and kept up the smoochy noises until I finally pursed my own lips and kissed her thumb.
She nodded once in approval, then popped a gummy baby in her own mouth and sat behind me on the marble steps while I caught my breath.
“So you’re really pregnant?” I asked.
“Yes,” my wife replied. “I’ve known for a few days. I think it’s going to be twins, since they run in your family.” She grabbed my collar and hauled me onto my knees, then shoved my face up next to her stomach. “Say hello to your children, the future rulers of Contraria, and tell them to be punctual.”
She held me in place until I mumbled platitudes into her abdomen. Once she released me, I said, “You’ve known for days? That means we could have gotten a lot more sleep!”
Fleur laughed at me. “Get used to being tired. When our babies are born it will fall to you to make sure they have smiles on their faces and chests full of joy.”
“Don’t you use nannies?”
“Of course not, silly man. That’s what husbands are for.”
I thought back to my wedding to Fleur. At the rehearsal dinner the pet shop owner and his brother regaled me with tales of their sister’s work as a nanny for the Contrarian royals (it is considered good luck in Contraria to have a pet shop owner at your wedding). The pet shop owner’s brother was lying then, along with his brother, or my own wife was lying now. I hoped the liar was my wife, because I really had no desire to spend the next several years of my life in Contraria caring for children, even my own.
The warlord strode up, beaming with pride. “This child you two have created will bind Contraria and the US forever!” he boomed. “There will be no severing of the ties between our countries. Even if you have a razor-sharp ax.”
“It’s twins, Daddy.”
“Twins!” The warlord’s eyes grew wide. “If that’s true then that fulfills the prophecy!”
bonus points for using them in order