Dramatis Personae

Faithful blog readers have no doubt lost hours of their lives reading our chain story, cleverly titled Tune In Next Time. Since it’s been going on for several years, and the cast has grown by leaps and bounds, we decided it was time to develop something of a cheat sheet. And here it is, without further ado.

Our Protagonist: Though we have yet to learn this man’s name, we do know that it is five syllables long. As per family tradition, he was born at the North Pole. He is not English, but he is part-Indian, immune to jellyfish stings, and spent at least part of his childhood in a cult. One summer when he was a child, his mother pitted him and his twin brother Jason in daily wrestling matches. He is a graduate of the Hopscotch Academy, with a degree in Advanced Duplicity. While at the Academy he learned how to defend himself against ninjas, how to control the minds of others through an odd vocal technique he calls “hypnotoading,” and also how to break through most hypnotic trances using something called “goldfishing”. For someone who attended boarding school, his French is shockingly bad, though he does know several dead languages quite well. During senior year he was voted Most Likely to Become a Sasquatch King, and was actual King of the Senior Prom, having won a wilderness survival competition against his classmates. He was on the Academy’s Beatnik team, and is adept at the bongos. While enrolled at the Academy, he impaled his friend John’s foot with a harpoon. This earned him extra credit from the school, and a lifelong grudge from John. He learned everything he knows about stealth during his time as a stowaway on a tramp steamer in the South China Sea. He has excellent hearing, and is allergic to seagull feathers. Our hero always dreamed of a career in skates, but wound up in a career involving both crime and espionage. He sometimes uses the codename Ludovico, sometimes Winifred. He’s not a theatre critic anymore, and one of his brothers owns a weather control machine. He has the layout of at least one Hall of Mirrors memorized, and can imitate any kind of bird or beast. Unlike his twin, he can sleep anywhere. He can often taste what Jason is tasting, while Jason can smell what he’s smelling. He is a full-on karaoke person, his favorite tune to belt out being YMCA. Thanks to his many prophetic dreams, he knows that his death will not come from being sacrificed by, or to, clowns, nor will it involve clowns at all. He used to have blond hair. He has blue-gray eyes and a super hairy chest (and back, also, it seems). There is a tattoo hidden under his chest hair, given to him by Tessa. It contains, naturally, a hidden message. His toes are very ticklish, and he has quintuple elbows (it’s like being double-jointed, only moreso). His tongue is covered with a golden tattoo, to commemorate the birth of his first children. It’s a Contrarian thing, obviously. He lives by the river, if his house hasn’t been washed away in the long, long, long time since he’s been home. He is married to Fleur, daughter of the Warlord of Contraria, but they have an understanding. They are parents to twins. Additionally he acted as proxy when Fleur’s sister Isolde married the odious Harry, and on their wedding night as well. Later he impersonated Viscount Arlo of Svenborgia during his wedding to the second Tessabot (it was her idea – they were tricking the guests, not the bride), and even later Fleur gave the okay for him to act as proxy again for Hildegard’s wedding to Chartreuse Pamplemousse. Things went a little haywire during that ceremony and he wound up legally wed to both Hildegard and Chartreuse. His wife’s half-brother inadvertently started a rumor that there was a coveted miracle substance in his semen, which led to many many women throwing themselves on him and bearing him children. Fleur made him a general in the Contrarian armed forces. His first command was the mountain garrisons in the Paradoxica Region, but he’s recently been promoted to head of the entire Comedy branch of the services, which is no laughing matter. He has many resplendently spiffy uniforms, some with small brass squirrels atop the epaulets, others with fringed boots and a lamp in the shape of a dove that dangles from his hat like he’s an anglerfish. Most recently he was seen wearing his ceremonial polka dot footie pajamas. It was a wedding reception after all, and one must follow protocol.

Now, about all those babies.

The women call themselves the Toboggan Club (because everyone took a ride), and they are all currently aboard Fleur’s Contrarian Royal Airship. The children are all considered part of Fleur’s royal brood, being fathered by her husband. He’s a twin, so obviously these are all multiple births. That’s just science.

A non-exhaustive list:

• Fleur – his wife (mother of twins)
• Isolde – Fleur’s sister (mother of an uncounted number of children)
• Svetlana – John’s sister (quads, and is possibly pregnant again)
• Tatiana – Tessa’s sister (twins)
• Titania – Tessa’s other sister (unknown number of children – we haven’t checked in lately)
• YoYo – a yodeler from the mountain garrisons (twins, even though she doesn’t believe in them)
• Yesterday – wife of Fleur’s half-brother (unknown number)
• Olga – another of John’s sisters (unconfirmed, but likely)
• Betsy – a spy (unconfirmed, less likely but still possible)
• Marnie – a nurse and retired tap-dancer (unconfirmed but quite likely)
• Hildegard – John’s ex-wife, our dude’s current accidental wife (unconfirmed but extremely likely)
• Dr Ferguson – evil eye doctor and reality tv divorcee (unconfirmed but likely)
• Vera – she’s on the airship, but our dude doesn’t remember her

For more info on these lovely ladies, see their individual entries below.

His family: Our protagonist has a large family. They own an inflatable woman factory, and it is rumored that all the men in the family have a certain exotic compound in their semen.

• ZsaZsa – Mother: Her name is ZsaZsa, but Father always called her Ralph. She claims to have no brothers, and her father was murdered in Cornwall. Like her husband and most of her children she was born at a military facility. She is a former two-term US President, driven from office by several scandals, who now pulls the strings and rules from the shadows. Her sprawling plan for world domination is called “The Brontosaurus” by Tessa and our protagonist. At least three of her children were fathered by Contrarian Warlord William Penn XI. She was removed from office following the infamous White House Sex Scandal that resulted in her husband’s presumed death, and a scheme to bomb Contraria’s enemies and make it look like an accident. She has a calligraphic tattoo of unspecified design. She is the current Ambassador to South Dakota. She employs ninjas in her schemes and machinations. Recently married John for some unknown reason. She claims to adore him. Tried to crash Fleur’s zeppelin to start a war. When that failed, she said she just wanted to go fool around with her new husband some more. Last seen heading for the zeppelin’s smallest escape pod.
• Jack – Father: His father was presumed dead in some sort of sex scandal that is related to both the president leaving office and a cataclysm that merged the Great Lakes into one and obliterated several states. Turns out he isn’t dead after all. His name is Jack. Like his wife and most of their children he was born at a military facility. He’s mixed up with the Contrarians in a bid to either become President of the United States (of Australia), or found his own rogue nation. Whatever his plans, he’s blowing through his whole treasury to pay for prostitutes. Jack spent his youth in the rural lava fields of Iceland. He has never been convicted of anything, or even charged, but many people call him The Devil. At one point in time he dated his ex-girlfriend’s sister, daughter, and niece at the same time. He enjoys circus peanuts, which doesn’t say anything good about him. When he was an escape artist he would hide keys in them because he couldn’t pick locks. His faked death involved being run over by a backhoe. He is allergic to silk. Wants the protagonist’s help to defeat John and Tessa, but is refused. Last seen engaged in group sex with Esmerelda, Cleopatra, and Darlene in a black velvet room in an unnamed country.
• Jason: Our protagonist’s identical twin brother, and America’s #1 wedding rapper. He has a lisp, which is a good way to tell the brothers apart. Was thumb-wrestling champion at the Academy for four years running. Even though he was a terrible student, he seems somewhat adept at codes. He has new wrestling moves involving his elbows, and an unusual sprinting technique that involves “throwing his feet in the air.” Before turning to wedding rap, he was known as El Matador during his underground Cancun hip hop phase. He is in love with Kelly, who does not seem to return his affections proportionately. His clown-mime fertility ritual with Tessa was interrupted by our protagonist not being dead. Perhaps is aligned with Tallulah, Taylor, Tara, and Tanya. May have been inducted into the Pinkie Swears, but does not yet have a tattooed pinkie. Does have a blue tattoo on his tongue, and a crescent scar at the base of his spine (our protagonist’s back scars are all shaped like natural birds). His signature is nine interlocking triangles. Last seen dressed as Arlo in the bathroom at the wedding temple on Brackish Bay, sucking on lollipops with the best man.
• Thor: Our protagonist’s younger brother, and current president of the United States. Often utilizes his twin sister as a body double. He is married to Tallulah, and thinks he is the father of Svetlana’s quadruplets by the protagonist. His sometime lover is professional wrestler Great Hammer, but they are currently on the outs. Made enemies of the militant vegans through meat-based legislation. Was last seen in their clutches aboard the presidential zeppelin above the Contrarian city of Pittsburghistan.
• Freya: Thor’s twin, our protagonist’s younger sister. Despite being different genders, they are nearly impossible to tell apart when dressed. Played a part in the sex scandal that “killed” her father and got her mother thrown out of office. Has hypnotic powers. Got her training at a ranch in the high desert. Last seen making out with a Santa lookalike in an arctic spa in Pittsburghistan.
• Jim: Our protagonist’s younger brother, and the only twinless sibling in the family. He is a triplet, along with Jemima and Jemma, and they are likely the three of ZsaZsa’s children fathered by the Contrarian Warlord. He has a southern drawl, small feet, and lots of theories about twins. He’s a brunette with a well-defined chin, and very sexy. A hit with all the ladies. Like most of the family he has a grudge against Mother. He’s a hypnotist, and a tai chi master, though he is vulnerable to mustaches. He has a much-sought-after clarinet of his own design. As a qualified cybergoth, he is forbidden from many activities, including skating. Once worked as a pizzeria organist. He claims to never use sex as a distraction while using sex as a distraction. Once worked in a bank with Kelly, the love of Jason’s life, and slept with her. His third wife, Esmerelda, is a Svenborgian Underduchess, so he has Svenborgian diplomatic papers. Even though he’s suspected of murdering his roommates in 9th and 11th grades, and in culinary school, he’s surprisingly good with babies. He frequently dresses in a blue panda costume to help protect the protagonist’s children. Last seen recovering from a bad case of the twisties in the zeppelin’s petting zoo, stripping out of his jeans to everyone’s delight.
• Jemima: One of the triplets. Wears a dashing green and blue cardigan. Is possibly still drugged by Jim and under his control. Last seen in the mime laboratory on Disco Island, dancing Cobra Yoga to hypnotize the mime scientists.
• Jemma: One of the triplets. As the youngest female in the family she is promised to the Guild of Fire Eaters, and has the tattoos on her spine and ribcage to prove it. Wears a dashing green and blue cardigan. Is possibly still drugged by Jim and under his control. Is desperate to avoid both joining the Fire Eaters and marrying Domino, the Lord Carnevale. Last seen in the mime laboratory with Jemima.
• Jove: Our protagonist’s brother. Twin to Jupiter, and together with him rules the rocky unnamed island where the TechnoPagans hang out. Jove is “just over” seven-and-a-half feet tall. He dresses as a ringmaster, and toasts marshmallows with his fiery breath. His wife’s name is Carla. She’s a clown, and she carries him around on her back like a horse. His favorite band is The Stanford Marshmallow Experiment. According to our protagonist, he and Jupiter used to castrate people “all the time.” Below the shack where they live is a deep shaft leading to the sewer, which has lovely swan pedal-boats for your enjoyment. Last seen in the TechnoPagan temple/hut, kissing an upside down Tessa while Carla had aphrodisiac-fueled sex with Jason.
• Jupiter: Jove’s twin, our protagonist’s brother. Also dresses as a ringmaster and rides around on the back of his own clown wife, although we don’t know her name. His first marriage fell apart when his wife left him at the reception for Uncle Jinx. Last seen in the island shack with his wife.
• Carla: a clown, married to Jove. Sometimes goes by the name April Fools. Last seen having sex with Jason in the temple hut on her husband’s island.
• Troy and Trent: another set of twins in the protagonist’s family. Troy has an expensive snakeskin jacket that he never wears, a notoriously bad memory, and suction cup marks on his face. Trent has a rarely worn crocodile skin jacket, an exceptionally sharp memory, and muscular toes from his years of ballet. Our protagonist thinks they don’t look much like him because he has a different father. We’ve never seen Troy. Trent was last seen pretending to be Troy, wearing a yeti costume at Oksana’s auction.
• Benjamin: obsessed with political performance art, and is usually so drunk he can’t spell his own name. His twin is Jessamin. Where she goes, he follows.
• Jessamin: she’s a villain, and Benjamin’s twin. She isn’t a cop, but she likes to dress as one. Our hero has been pursuing her for years, but she’s always one step ahead. Once she dipped all of his belongings in a quick-hardening plastic goo.
• Fleur: Our hero’s dark-haired, blue-eyed wife. It was an arranged marriage, designed to tighten bonds between the US and Contraria, and neither of them are particularly happy with the match (they have an understanding). That didn’t stop Fleur from insisting that her husband take part in many elaborate fertility rituals, and she has recently delivered twins. Throughout her pregnancy she kept Viscount Arlo as a lover, but had no qualms about blowing up his horrible baby-shaped submarine when he proved himself duplicitous by attacking her personal aircraft carrier. As the firstborn child of the warlord, she’s in line for the throne. She’s one minute older than her half-brother William, and he’s making kind of a big deal about it. She has narrow shoulder blades, and gets really hot watching our protagonist eat grapes. She trained all of the jellyfish in the Contrarian National Aquarium, and is an accomplished zeppelin pilot. Her tongue is covered with golden tattoos, just like our hero’s, to commemorate the birth of her first children. She and her sisters have a Dresden china type of prettiness. Last seen stoned out of her mind in the bathtub on her airship.
• Isolde: Fleur’s half-sister (they share a mother), our hero’s sister-in-law. He has long had a crush on her and finally had a chance to bed her when Fleur appointed him proxy to Isolde’s toad-like fiance Harry. He took part in a proxy wedding, and then a proxy wedding night. With the guidance of a Contrarian fertility rite expert, he proxy-impregnated her on their proxy wedding night. Harry is quite jealous about the whole matter, even though it’s all his fault for getting seasick and missing the wedding. She arrived at Enigma Fortress just in time to give birth to a whole bunch of babies. No one can get an accurate count. Last seen on Fleur’s airship, on her way to the bridge.
• The Twins: Our protagonist’s firstborn children. Their mother is Fleur. The girl was born first, the boy shortly after. Per Contrarian tradition, they will remain unnamed until Fleur is halfway through her next pregnancy. They are a Duchess and a Duke, but their full titles involve birdsong and are over three minutes long when sung by the vice-chancellor of the exchequer.
• The Quads: Our protagonist’s quadruplet sons. Their mother is Svetlana. They were born several days after the twins, despite being conceived earlier. They are half-contortionist, which explains how so many of them fit inside their mother’s womb for so long. Svetlana left them with our protagonist, and Fleur was delighted to add them to her royal brood. They are outside the line of succession, and will remain unnamed until after the twins are named, some time in the future.
• William Penn XI: Contrarian Warlord and Supreme Calligrapher. Father of Fleur, step-father of Isolde. Has eleven wives. His sixth wife, Agnes Rose, is Fleur’s mother. His fifth wife, Rose Agnes, is Agnes Rose’s sister, and mother of William XII. She and her bodyguard/lover have formed the Pentagonal Party to try to oust Fleur as heir. William XI is the father of at least three of our protagonist’s siblings, but seemingly not of the protagonist himself.
• William Penn XII: Fleur’s half-brother. When he was an infant his mother entered him into an official blood feud with Fleur, but he’d rather forget all that and live a life of leisure. To nullify the blood feud, he needs our hero to impregnate his wife so they can turn the resulting child(ren) over to Fleur. He’d hoped to do it in vitro, which is what launched the whole “magic sperm” thing. That didn’t pan out, so he has them do it the old fashioned way. He smokes cigars and has a fancy calligraphic number 12 tattooed on his cheek (also a childhood gift from his mother). Got the nickname Humbug Billy when he tried to usurp our hero’s place at the Spring Scampering ceremony. Cut him some slack, he was having some feelings about his wife getting impregnated. Last seen at Enigma Fortress in the aftermath of a purple-ranger-mushroom-spore-fueled threeway with our hero and YoYo.
• Aunt Züg: Mom’s twin sister. Last seen impersonating Mom and plotting to exploit the Pirate-Ninja alliance in naval action against North Dakota.
• Aunt Xylona: another of ZsaZsa’s sisters. She’s the Mizzenpriestess of the TechnoPagans, flies a biplane, and insists on nudity from her passengers. She’s involved in the proposed Fire Eater-TechnoPagan Alliance. She has an as-yet unnamed husband. Last seen on the now-sunken aircraft carrier, but seems to have escaped in her plane with John.
• Uncle Jinx Damocles: Our hero thought Jinx was his Great-Uncle, when in reality he is his step-grandfather. Is missing his left arm and only has one good eye. He was born in the “North Country.” Was thought dead following a plane crash in South America, but turned up in a small church in Rhode Island. Owned a theme park in Harmonia called Valentine Village, which our hero inherited when Jinx was declared dead. Last seen under a tree in the Harmonious countryside, near the trainline to Barbershoppe.

His allies and enemies:

• Tessa: A former partner of John and our protagonist in several illegal schemes, she has double crossed them both several times.  She attended the Academy with our hero, and was valedictorian because she drugged everyone else. She has auburn hair, an impressive bosom, and gets hiccups when she’s horny. She hates limericks, is allergic to garlic, and is adept at cryptography. Her formidable ninja skills take our hero by surprise and suggest chapters of her backstory as yet unexplored. She was involved romantically with our protagonist in the past, and was recently engaged to John. Both of her parents live off the grid. She has at least six sisters and at least three robot duplicates. She has a cyberpunk unicorn tramp stamp spewing rainbows across her ass, and another unicorn tattoo around the front, grazing on her pubic hair. She “collected” a sample of our protagonist’s semen, and was the first to suggest that it contains a valuable exotic compound. She spent months as a captive of the mimes. It’s hard to say when she was last seen, or if she really exists at all. Perhaps she has always been someone else in disguise. But if she’s not, then she was last seen hanging upside down, kissing Jove in the temple hut on his island. Unless she’s currently in his bathtub aboard Fleur’s airship.
• TSS-A Units, aka the Tessabots: the first was dumped off a roof to its demise. The second (nicknamed “Toot Fairy” by the others) was built 90 minutes after the first one, and so does everything 90 minutes later. Was supposed to marry Arlo, but didn’t want to, so she recruited the protagonist to stand in his place. Her one rule is “Don’t make jokes about poop.” Was last seen getting it on with Uncle Gramophone and Uncle Daguerrotype in the Bandit tunnels underneath Twerkistan. Unless she’s currently in our protagonist’s bathtub aboard Fleur’s airship. The third Tessabot “Dr Roverpants” is American, and has yet to appear in the story. We hear that she, through brute force and righteous anger, took over every modeling agency, dance academy, and escort service in Miami.
• John: Our protagonist’s former partner in crime and/or espionage. He’s described as an intimidating guy who sucks at ciphers. Is possibly Russian, and doesn’t understand all of your American slang and colloquialisms. Sings in his sleep. He spent his childhood in a Tibetan monastery, an experience that left him with a deathly fear of the Himalayan Snowcock. Has a scar on his ring finger. He seems to be passingly good at roller derby, and is mixed up somehow with the warlords of Contraria. He has always been super into astrology, and used his knowledge of star charts to determine when Tatiana should get pregnant. He shaves his taint, and has done so all his life. He has spanked Fleur on two nonconsecutive occasions. Has at least three sisters and was for a while engaged to Tessa. According to Jack, John’s hair is not his own. He has an ex-wife named Hildegard, and feet that are not for the faint of heart. Recently watched his sister Svetlana give birth, then directed his other sister, Olga, to collect a sample of the prized protagonist semen. Married our protagonist’s mother and tried to crash the airship, but returned power to the engines in exchange for the promise of honeyed pancakes and a herd of wombats. Then pooped his jammies. Last seen heading for the airship’s smallest escape pod with his bride.
• Dr Absinthia Belladonna: former headmistress of the Academy, where she murdered her predecessor to get the position. Turned to rocket surgery after leaving education, and was in the process of developing an amazing new technique for using rockets to operate on people instead of operating on rockets. Last seen dead by her own surgical rockets in her underground apartment/laboratory in Harmonia.
• Aimeloxym: Myxolemia’s identical cousin, also with metal stud eyelashes. Got her training at the same ranch in the high desert as Freya. Was posing as a mermaid at the Contrarian National Aquarium to pass along secret messages using a bubble code. Is pretty vicious with a harpoon gun. Last seen unconscious outside the aquarium.
• Aphrodite Hunter: A pirate with surgically enhanced breasts, and a glass eye. She is married to Heinrich and sleeping with Captain Jorgensen. Is involved in the Pirate-Ninja Alliance. Knows that her husband carts Svetlana around under his clothes. Last seen in a warehouse in the hinterlands being treated for inhaling a jellyfish.
• Viscount Arlo of Svenborgia: everyone is in agreement – this guy is such a dick. Has a deceased brother named Viscount Jeff, whom he might have killed. Being Svenborgian royalty, he’s probably related to Esmerelda and Cleopatra. He is bald, and wears an eye patch, and his genitals are apparently fantastically gilded and filagreed. He has a mushroom-shaped birthmark on his neck, which is why he favors turtlenecks. He had a relationship with our protagonist’s mother sometime in the past, and was Fleur’s lover throughout her pregnancy. He is the leader of a strange fundamentalist sect, and wants to claim Fleur’s twins as his own. When she rebuffed him, he attacked her aircraft carrier with a horrible baby-shaped submarine, and disguised himself as a plush armadillo to stow away on her escape zeppelin. Had a magnificent white crystalline lair until Tessa blew it up. He’s bad at archery, and detests Teutonic cuisine. He’s obsessed with the idea that people and restaurants are trying to trick him. He has a secret coded message tattooed on the sole of his foot. Last seen bailing out of the filming of Slimy Passions in Twerkistan.
• Betsy Murgatroid: attended a rival Academy. Developed “darts of insanity” that make everything feel and smell exactly like fried chicken. Her partner is Fernando. Uses insect noises as flirtation and enjoys convoluted role playing during sex. Is on a quest to collect some of the “exotic compound” in our protagonist’s semen. Last seen in the subbasement below the Academy’s root cellar, failing at the last possible second to get a sample of that exotic compound.
• Brady: let his clown license expire, got a tattoo on his chest of the Brady Bunch on their Hawaiian vacation, and joined Jorgensen’s pirate crew. Lives on Brackish Bay, and is trying to dupe Kabbadan Scrim into buying a fake weather control machine. Last seen at “Arlo” and “Tessa’s” wedding reception on Brackish Bay.
• Brandita: her name was Delilah until our hero teased her about it in high school. She dumped him, changed her name, and got it tattooed on her neck. Took up accordion and joined a pirate band. Rides a motorcycle with a bathtub sidecar. Last seen unconscious on the floor of Baron von Dimpleheimer’s house on Brackish Bay.
• Mr Carousel: a talent scout for the Royal Contrarian IceCapades. Wears a pork-pie hat and calls fish “feesh”.  Is desperate to recruit our protagonist into the ‘Capades. Last seen on the ice rink of Fleur’s airship, sweet-talking John.
• Chartreuse Pamplemousse: son of the infamous Zeus Pamplemousse. Is a very famous eye doctor, with an entourage and everything. Wears iconic metallic clothes and goggles. Through a mishap in a proxy wedding, is now married to our protagonist (and Hildegard). Last seen in the Honeymoon Suite of the only hotel in Twerkistan, on the Isles of Bumpengrynd.
• Cleopatra: Sister of Esmerelda. UnderDuchess of Svenborgia, or possibly an UnderDuchess once removed – it’s so hard to remember all the rules. Sometimes passes herself as a bartender nicknamed Isaac, and has some fire eating skills, but whether she’s really a member of the Guild of Fire Eaters is unknown. Has a messenger-goose named Gordon. She wears a prosthetic butt over her real butt, per old Svenborgian tradition. Used sex to recruit our hero to her cause, which turned out to involve his father so he bailed. Last seen in the petting zoo aboard Fleur’s airship.
• Clyde: a mime dog. That is, a dog raised and trained by mimes. He doesn’t bark. Instead he has the word “WOOF” painted on his teeth, which he bares menacingly. He’s small enough to fit in your lap. Last seen in the mime laboratory on Disco Island.
• Darlene: an Asian woman with a cough who spends time with our protagonist’s father Jack. Probably a prostitute. Probably involved in Jack’s bid to regain power. Last seen engaging in group sex with Jack, Esmerelda, and Cleopatra in a black velvet room in an unnamed country.
• Deuce Pamplemousse: another son of the infamous Zeus Pamplemousse. He’s a disco artist, with that inescapable hit Hop on My Caboose. He hasn’t actually appeared in the story yet, but he’s been mentioned a few times.
• Baron von Dimpleheimer: a pirate, or at least pirate-adjacent. Lives on Brackish Bay with pirate bodyguards. Wrote songs for an accordion band. Has long, glossy black curls, a drooping mustache, and icy blue eyes. Last seen unconscious on the floor of his house.
• Esmerelda: UnderDuchess of Svenborgia. Sister of Cleopatra. Third wife of our protagonist’s brother Jim. According to Jack (protagonist’s father), she demands unblinking eye contact during a fingerbang. She stopped wearing red after “the incident” – but will make an exception for passing messages using the washerwoman’s code. Wanted our protagonist to dissuade his father from wasting so much money on prostitutes. Has mastered spoken morse code. Last seen helping Jim recover from the twisties in the petting zoo aboard Fleur’s airship.
• Fernando Heavens: Betsy’s partner. He has a nose like a snail shell and a chin like the toe of a boot. Is married to a woman who seems disapproving of his dangerous profession. Likes to use his walkie-talkie in unnecessary circumstances. Has an odd affection for ferret leather shoes. Last seen in the subbasement under the Academy’s root cellar, stymied in his attempt to give chase by a tangle of debris.
• Great Hammer: a retired professional wrester and sometime lover of Thor. He’s probably the one who betrayed Jack. Has a fatal weakness for soup, which will make it easy for Thor to poison him if they ever meet again.
• Harriet Donut: along with her sister Violet, they were a few years behind our protagonist at the Academy. But something went wrong. They are full-tilt amoral, and one of them is even a mime (gasp!). It’s unclear which sister is which, not because they look identical, but because we just can’t seem to remember. Last seen in the mime laboratory on Disco Island.
• Harry: a Junior Baronet of Contraria. Quite toadish and repulsive, but Isolde is besotted. She couldn’t wait to marry him, and was finally allowed after Fleur gave birth. Only Harry was too seasick to be aboard the aircraft carrier, so our hero stood in as his proxy during the wedding and subsequent wedding night. Harry took Isolde’s resulting pregnancy very badly. He has tried to poison our protagonist, and is plotting with Arlo against Isolde. Got into some sort of trouble at a cotillion. If he’s found guilty, his accusers are allowed to kill and eat him. Last seen stomping out of the zeppelin docking spire restaurant in the Inimical Archipelago.
• Heinrich Hunter: A ninja. Or possibly another pirate. Has a floppy red mustache and carries a katana and an uzi. Smuggled Svetlana under his clothes for many years, which made him appear fat. His marriage to Aphrodite is over due to him having to pee in her mouth to neutralize the jellyfish toxin. Last seen in Brady’s garden hedge maze, trying to convince Marnie to join his and Svetlana’s weird little arrangement.
• Henry: an accountant who was in love with the second Tessabot. Tried to foil her wedding to Arlo by disguising himself and his coworkers as a famous karaoke troop. He knows someone with a boat. Last seen at that wedding on Brackish Bay.
• Hildegard van der Zhößængrüüpårbergschløssenfußmeister: John’s ex-wife (except she calls him Maurice) and our hero’s current accidental wife. It was supposed to be a proxy marriage, but things went a little pear-shaped. Wears a red coat and gloves and a tinsel boa. When she was a child she co-starred in a Bumpengryndian children’s TV show called Bouillabaisse Cowabunga with a sea captain and real live singing German clown (!). Lives in Twerkistan with her father, at least up until the wedding. Last seen in the Honeymoon Suite of the only hotel in Twerkistan, covered in butterscotch pudding.
• Hipster Jane: has been involved in the music business forever, first as half of Jane and Able, then in promotions after Able disappeared under suspicious circumstances. Also taught Suspicious Circumstances 101 at the Academy. Dresses like a cheap 70s streetwalker. Smokes. Has red hair and a foot fetish. Last seen heading into the Academy’s root cellar with a barefoot John.
• Viscount Jeff: deceased brother of Arlo, but sadly seemingly not his victim. He’s a ghost who haunts Brandita’s bathtub sidecar, but he’s recently put in for a transfer to a phone booth in Denver. He’s desperate for our protagonist to meet him there so they can conspire on something. He was probably poisoned by Joey the organist, but he does have a nasty scalp wound, so who knows. Maybe Arlo was involved after all.
• Jenkins: a dark-skinned, dark-eyed, and deadly woman. Is quick enough to take out ninjas. She’s always been vixenish, ill-tempered, and impulsive. She’s in league with Svetlana and Heinrich in a scheme with an undefined goal. Dropped the Tessa-Bot off the roof, thinking it was the real Tessa, and was not happy when she discovered the substitution. Last seen unconscious from electrocution on the street in Valentine Village.
• Joan: another Academy alum. Currently employed at Valentine Village, where she dresses as the goddess Aphrodite. An expert in the use of weaponized cosmetics. Last seen in her dressing room at Valentine Village.
• Captain Jorgensen: A pirate captain involved in the Pirate-Ninja Alliance and the Mime-Fire Eater Treaty. Sometime lover of Aphrodite Hunter. Has a bushy mustache, carries a silk rope ladder with him at all times. Last seen aboard the submarine he won from Tesla in a card game.
• Kabbadan Scrim: hairy and uninked. You’d call him stocky if you were trying not to offend him. His knees don’t bend, like at all, which makes him a peculiar choice to be leader of the League of Tapdancers and head of the Paradiddle Tap Academy. He’s bitter about not being able to dance and wants to rule the world with a weather control device. Last seen at Brady’s fountain on Brackish Bay, pining for Marnie.
• Kelly: The love of Jason’s life. As part of the plan to rob a bank with the protagonist, and possibly others, she worked in a bank with Jim, and slept with him. Went to jail in place of our protagonist, a fact that Jason is unwilling to forgive and forget. Now that she’s out of prison they have reconnected. Last seen tied up with Jason in an underground room at Valentine Village.
• Lyudmila: John’s sister Lyudmila (not to be confused with his one-time date by the same name) is a former sushi chef and current contortionist and helicopter pilot. She has long, pale blond hair, and narrow hips. Owns miniature Pinschers named Trouble and Time. She is one of our hero’s many former lovers, and is, of late, aligned with Tessa in some unknown scheme. Last seen drugging our protagonist and delivering him into the hands of Aphrodite and Heinrich Hunter.
• Marnie Glockenspiel: a nurse on Brackish Bay. Left the Paradiddle Tap Academy to escape the attentions of Kabbadan Scrim, who is obsessed with her. Has a missing husband whom she married for revenge. Last seen in the garden on Brackish Bay, with Svetlana and Heinrich, contemplating joining their peculiar lifestyle.
• Maxine: an evil woman with unknown affiliations and a turqoise puffer coat. At one point she was in charge of Jason and made him screw the lids onto medicine bottles. Her voice is grating, as is her personality. Last seen at Oksana’s auction in the yeti caves of the Paradoxica Mountains.
• Michiko: The rebellious daughter of the leader of NinjaVision. She enjoys Harajuku clothing, and drives a Hello Kitty themed Lincoln. She owns a self storage place. Last seen behind the counter at her self storage operation.
• Mingus Mint: the deceased spouse of Myndilynn, replaced by an enormous puppet replica so she can continue her relationship with him. It’s pretty fucked up, yo. The puppet is controlled, at least some of the time, by Harriet and Violet Donut. Is a member of the Ventriloquist Syndicate. Our hero had a bad mission with Mingus, once upon a time. Last seen in the crystal throne room beneath the mountain on Disco Island.
• Dr Minka Stiletto: A hypnotist in Ipswitch, Massachusetts. Has control over both the town and the Sanitation Workers Union. Wears, but does not need, an eyepatch. Sometimes hypnotizes our protagonist and uses him as a sex toy. Last seen being decapitated by Tessa in her jungle-themed hypnotism office.
  
• Myndilynn Mint: wife of the deceased Mingus. When he was alive, she would sit on his knee and act as his ventriloquist dummy. Now that he’s dead, she’s made a giant puppet replica of him, and still sits perched on his knee. She nods flirtatiously and tends to let Mingus do the talking. Is in league with John and Jason. Last seen in the crystal throne room beneath the mountain on Disco Island.
• Myxolemia: Our hero’s prom date, arranged by his mother of course. It didn’t go well. She is now the American Ambassador to Contraria, and has metal studs where her eyelashes should be. Last seen unconscious in a Pittburghistan leather goods shoppe.
• Nathaniel: we haven’t met Nathaniel yet, but he sounds dangerous. He lived with Tallulah at one point. He has four brothers, all mortal enemies of Tessa.
• Oksana: with a name like that it’s surprising that she’s not one of John’s sisters. But her family is Colloquillian, her grandfather having been the king. These days she lives with the yetis in the mountains above Enigma Fortress. Some of them are yetis she has trained to be ninjas. Some of them are ninjas disguised as yetis. And some might be yetis disguised as ninjas inside yeti costumes. It’s very confusing. Banged one out with Jim before auctioning him off to the highest bidder. Last seen in a skintight white fur jumpsuit, auctioneering.
• Olga: youngest sister of John, Svetlana, and Lyudmila. She is not the loveliest of the sisters, but looks great in (and out of) a bikini. She’s as double-jointed as a trained mime, and is a mime sympathizer, but has yet to complete her initiation rites. On the beach, in front of John, Svetlana, Heinrich, and a bunch of mime volleyball players, she obtained a sample of our hero’s famed exotic compound, seemingly in a test tube, unless that was a decoy. Last seen darting down the beach with the sample, possibly heading to Xylona’s biplane, possibly heading to mime territory.
• Rebecca: we haven’t met her yet. All we know about her is that she winters in Prague, and is in a fight with Fleur. Oh, and the last time our protagonist saw her it involved a whole lotta free-ballin’ in a fanny pack. She sounds fun!
• Setsuko: a rogue mime whom our protagonist has had a crush on forever. She is an Asian woman with green hair and the same unicorn tattoo on her butt as Tessa. She was educated in English and Swiss boarding schools, as well as the Academy, which makes her tongue action during licking codes very crisp and meticulous. She has pretty feet and unexceptional ankles, and is perhaps not exactly female. Last seen in an alley in Valentine Village, naked.
• Svetlana: another of John’s sisters. Svetlana is also a contortionist. She and her sister Lyudmila once had a sideshow act. Their costumes featured decorative bullet holes. Now hate each other due to a kerfuffle over the circus’s Employee of the Month award. She has long pale blond hair, sharp cheekbones, round shoulder blades, narrow hips, a scratchy voice, and a predilection for blowguns. She is the subject of an international manhunt which she eluded for years by using her contortionist skills and a harness to secret herself under the clothing of Heinrich Hunter, masquerading as his rotund belly. It’s unclear what Heinrich gets out of the arrangement. Having misunderstood the assignment to collect a sample of our hero’s semen, this former lover of his recently gave birth to his quadruplets. Last seen in Brady’s garden hedge maze, trying to recruit Marnie to join her in living under Heinrich’s shirt. Is quite possibly pregnant again.
• Tallulah: Tessa’s sister, the most dangerous person our hero has ever met. Has unusual blue-black eyes and a tendency to impersonate her sister. Or perhaps has always been her sister. Is married to Thor. Wants to work with our protagonist to topple the governments of the US and Contraria, just like they planned in kindergarten. Knows next to nothing about Norway. While disguised as Tessa disguised as Svetlana disguised as an old man, she claimed to have a son by our protagonist, but he does not think that’s true. Last seen with her sisters Taylor, Tanya, and Tara walking into Jason’s underground lair upstairs from Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s apartment/laboratory.
• Tatiana: another of Tessa’s sisters. Was crew champion at the Academy, where she specialized in maritime skullduggery. Wanted to be impregnated by Jason because of what the star charts (or at least John’s interpretation of them) said, but when Jason wasn’t around, she settled for our protagonist. They conceived their children on the crystal throne on Disco Island while John and the Mints looked on. Last seen birthing the resulting twins on a silver platter at the auction in the Paradoxica Mountains.
• Taylor, Tara, Tanya: sisters of Tessa and Tallulah. Tara hates cheese. Tanya can’t spell. Taylor sings like a banshee. They are younger than Tallulah, and follow her orders to a T, which implies that they are evil. All four of them have a master whom they obey. Last seen along with Tallulah entering Jason’s lair upstairs from Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s apartment/laboratory.
• Tesla: yet another sister of Tessa’s, with whom she used to pair up against the rest of the brood. She has fair skin and red hair, and spent some time married and living in France but that ended poorly. She vanished when her marriage fell apart, but resurfaced (as it were) aboard the submarine at the Academy’s secret submarine dock. She has small hands, and is less-than-adept at oil painting. Once owned a submarine, but lost it to Captain Jorgensen in a card game. Is involved in the long-rumored Pirate-Mime Brotherhood. After seducing our hero and traversing an underground sewage pipe with him in a swan boat, she is revealed to be the Teslabot, builder of the Tessabot. Unless she’s just pretending, to fool Tessa? Last seen on Jove and Jupiter’s island, at the site of the fire eater/mime massacre.
• Titania: yet another another of Tessa’s sisters. Titania turned her back on her heritage and joined the circus. She became known as the Crystal Clown, the most deadly clown in the world. She wears poison lipstick, and has a price on her head. Her headquarters are on Gratin Ave, and she is in league with Tesla and Tallulah. Apparently she can be quite nice when she wants to be, because our hero had no qualms about getting it on with her on the beach, even though he knew she was only after a sample of his remarkable semen. Last seen riding away atop her steed Nigel, who is two people in a horse costume, but it came up later that she was pregnant — too pregnant to attend the auction. She’s definitely given birth by now.
• Ulrike: A dangerous German woman with at least one sister. She hunts by smell, but tells our hero apart from his twin by feeling his corneas. Is a former lover of both our hero and John. Last seen corrupting minors outside a hall of mirrors on the boardwalk.
• Dr Valentina Ferguson: used to work in the nurse’s office at the Academy. Is now the protege of Chartreuse Pamplemousse, but is very snarky about it. Is also a reality TV divorcée. Her second husband is called Buttons, and he directs her in episodes of Slimy Passions, an x-rated reality program she compels our hero to perform on through the (over)use of aphrodisiac icicle slugs. Won the moose raffle. Last seen on the set of Slimy Passions in Twerkistan.
• Violet Donut: sister of Harriet. Possibly a mime. At the very least, is in league with them.
• William Sausage: a reedy-voiced man with a supermodel daughter named Vienna. He was on the submarine with Jason, Tesla, and Jorgensen, and is involved in the Pirate-Mime Brotherhood. Last seen on the sub.
• Yesterday: wife of William Penn XII. She’s got dark skin and black hair, and is from one of the Eastern Noble Houses. Doesn’t seem particularly in love with her husband, but does appreciate the lifestyle. Got knocked up by our protagonist at her husband’s insistence, so as to nullify his blood feud. The blessed event had to be witnessed and notarized to make it official, so that was awkward. It also involved quite a lot of glitter. Last seen collecting her husband after the ill-advised threeway. Presumably she’s given birth by now, but we haven’t heard how that turned out.
• YoYo: real name Yolanda. A Yodeler under our protagonist’s command at Enigma Fortress in the Paradoxica Mountains. She seduced him on the airship on their way to the Fortress, and several times after they arrived, and got pregnant. She’s a tarot aficionado, and believes the cards when they tell her she’s in love with our protagonist, even though she doesn’t actually feel it herself yet. She does not believe in twins. Or at least she didn’t. She is now mother to a pair, so who knows. We haven’t had a chance to talk to her about it yet. During her pregnancy she lost a leg in a yeti attack. Last seen as part of the Toboggan Club aboard Fleur’s airship, holding her twin children.
• Zeus Pamplemousse: father of Chartreuse and Deuce. We haven’t met him yet, but he’s infamous. When dressed as a horny necromancer we were understandably mistaken for his son, so he’s gotta be a pretty interesting guy.

Organizations:

• The Hopscotch Academy: Seemingly located somewhere in Europe, this elite, private academic institution educates young people in the arts of spycraft and espionage. It boasts a secret submarine dock, and a root cellar with a subbasement. Pharmacological Subterfuge is an elective. While magic is taught, only ultra-dweebs take those classes. Extracurriculars include the Ninja Defense League, choir, and rugby. The choir is not very good, but the members do get to wear astroturf vests, so there’s that. The chess team is called the Anacondas. They have a desert oasis compound with a camel polo team. The Academy’s students wear scarlet uniforms; skirts for the girls, kilts for the boys, unless they are wearing wetsuits. There are several rival schools, and their competitions can be deadly. Many obscure kinds of codes are taught, and training exercises can be both x-rated and grueling. Students are often forced to construct weapons under the guise of education, and rigorous physical exams can run long into the night. Alumni include our protagonist and his numerous siblings, Tessa and her sisters, John, Joan, and Setsuko. For examples of the many codes they teach, click here.
• Pirates: the literal, seafaring variety. Little is known about them except that they have a powerful union, and women are grossly underrepresented among their ranks. They seem to be falling on hard times, which perhaps explains their willingness to form the Pirate-Ninja alliance. The two pirates we’ve met are Captain Jorgensen and Aphrodite Hunter. Jorgensen captains a three-masted frigate, but due to his insolvency flies a cellphone ad in place of the Jolly Roger, and his ship is crewed by cheap mime labor.
• Ninjas: due to their near total silence, they have incredibly sensitive ears. Like pirates, ninjas lose all honor when they’re angry. Also like pirates, they have a strong union and a dearth of female members. Sometimes ninjas go feral. Ninja camouflage is the best camouflage, and when it falters it’s usually because they want it to. They sometimes treat themselves with contact hallucinogens, so be careful about engaging in hand-to-hand combat with any that are visible because it’s probably a trap. There are several factions of ninjas, including NSFW, the Ninja Society or Furtive Warfare (one of the mercenary dojos) and Ninja-Vision, an especially dangerous and deadly faction that have a giant hollow television on wheels as their mobile HQ. Michiko is the daughter of Ninja-Vision’s leader. If he’s not actually a ninja, Heinrich is heavily involved with them. Tessa has deep yet mysterious connections to the ninjas.
• The Pirate-Ninja Alliance: this unlikely alliance is in its infancy, and there is distrust on both sides. At least one faction is in formation in the Sea of Imbroglio, off the South Dakota coast on the orders of Aunt Züg posing as Mother. Jason is involved with a ninja-pirate splinter cell, and Aphrodite has an ambition to rule the alliance.
• Mimes: the best known mime cartel is the White Faces. They are so far-reaching that Venezuela is part of their territory. They once held Tessa captive. One of their spies infiltrated the ninjas, but that didn’t go well for him. When their missions require them to speak, it is called “walking against the wind.” When they die, they unleash a terrible racket as all the sounds they’ve suppressed throughout their lives all get vocalized at once. They have a burn cream that is baloney-scented, and their head scientist, Dr Marceau, recently escaped from his glass box. Setsuko was once the world’s most celebrated mime, but she has gone rogue. They are not well-trained tacticians. Recently were allied with the Ventriloquists.
• The Pirate-Mime Brotherhood: long-rumored, this organization’s existence has now been seemingly confirmed. Members wear chalky face paint and stripy nautical outfits. Membership seemingly includes Captain Jorgensen, William Sausage, and Tesla.
• Pinkie Swears: a mysterious organization, the high-ranking members of which tattoo their pinkies fluorescent colors. They all have terrible halitosis. Jason may have been inducted as a member. Cleopatra was tending bar at his tattooing ceremony.
• The Guild of Fire Eaters: Little is known about them except that they lay claim to Jemma, being the youngest female in our protagonist’s family. She has tattoos marking their claim. Guild members dress in skintight mylar, and are able to get anything they want permanently deleted from Wikipedia. Cleopatra has fire eating skills, but it’s unknown whether she’s a member of the Guild. The Draconis Corps are like ninjas who spew fire from their mouths.
• The Mime-Fire Eater Treaty: merely murmured of so far. Seems to also include Captain Jorgensen.
• TechoPagans: a group of people living in huts constructed of solar panels on an island ruled by Jupiter and Jove. Their village is near the old stone hut/temple where the mudman lives. Their leader/Mizzenpriestess is Xylona, our protagonist’s aunt.
• The Pentagonal Party: a group of rebel Contrarians who do not support Fleur as the heir to the Warlordship. They instead support her half-brother William Penn XII. They owned at least one battle dirigible, but it was downed by flying fish. It is unlikely that William was onboard
• Vegetable Militants: also known as vegerebels and vegan separatists. They wear vegetable masks and use blowguns. They call Thor the Hamburger Heathen and are strongly opposed to his Presidential Decree of Universal Carnivorousness.
• Bandits: these intrepid folks live in the sewer tunnels under Twerkistan in the Isles of Bumpengrynd. They all call themselves “Uncle”, even the women. They wear bright green wigs, and go about in pairs that share a bikini. Our protagonist had a tryst with Uncles Gossamer, Marigold, Albatross, and Periwinkle. Perhaps they should be added as possible members of the Toboggan Club.
• Clowns: treacherous and poisonous creatures. Jupiter and Jove are both married to clowns, if you can believe it.
• International Siblinghood of Street Performers: were seen recruiting at the Academy’s senior year homecoming party.
• League of Tapdancers: led by Kabbadan Scrim. Recently signed a treaty with the mimes.
• Masked Carnivalistos: led by Domino, Lord Carnevale. They’re trying to ally with the Guild of Fire Eaters, and are just as creepy and overdramatic as the mimes. Domino trains his troopers in his haunted castle. He wants to marry Jemima to unite his organization with the fire eaters. She’d rather not.
• Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms: PSLM² is the world’s preeminent karaoke group.
• Royal Contrarian Mountain Police: headquartered in Virginiastan, stationed in the Paradoxica Mountains, they have sleds pulled by mountain goats.
• Ventriloquist Syndicate: the Mints are members, if not leaders. Are recently allied with the mimes. And John. And Jason.
• Valentine Village: located in Harmonia. When it was owned by Uncle Jinx it was a Christmas-themed amusement park named TinselTown. Upon Jinx’s assumed death it was inherited by our protagonist. By the time he visits it has been rebranded as Valentine Village and is, obviously, love-themed. And sex-themed. Can’t forget the sex. It is staffed by people in Cupid and Aphrodite costumes. Everything is pink and lavender and frilly. There is a donut shop that sells Scorpion Angel Cremes, which have hallucinogenic properties. There are bachelor auctions and raffles. A network of tunnels sprawling beneath the park retains its Christmassy color scheme. Some tunnels are full of tinsel, but you can still see signs of the wild fishermen who lived in the region years ago.

Countries:

• Contraria: the capital is Funkistan, but their sanitation is woeful, so the royal hospital is in Pittsburghistan. There is also a city called Philadelphiastan. In Contraria, hockey players still wear garter belts, aerial combat is taught at finishing school, and housekeeping by paid staff is banned. The warlords of Contraria are heavily into calligraphy. And rituals. So many rituals. Most marriage and fertility rites involve birds and bird skeletons. They also have a prophesy for every occasion. Contrarian succession is a complicated matter. The warlord takes many wives at once (one for each previous warlord who shared his name, plus one for himself). Pregnancies are timed to run concurrently, and whichever baby is born first is the heir. All of the children together are the Royal Brood. The unofficial motto of the Contrarian Armed Forces is “Hungry, not Smart.”
• The Paradoxica Region: a mountainous area where Contraria, Harmonia, and Melodia share a border. Our protagonist has been made a general, with the mountain garrisons of this region under his command. We have yet to visit Melodia.
• Enigma Fortress: our hero’s outpost in the Paradoxica Mountains. It has a grand courtyard for Spring Scampering ceremonies and the hosting of mermaid-themed birthday parties. The lucky general is just about the only person with an indoor bathroom. He also has a fox named Rodney in his room (for luck). The light fixtures were all stolen long ago by marauding Harmonians. The official ceremonial tape is stored in an underground stationery vault. The place is surrounded by yetis, but that’s okay. In the Paradoxica Mountains, they use every part of the yeti. The last four generals died of soap poisoning.
• Isles of Bumpengrynd: a very snowy archipelago under Contrarian control. Claimed by William Penn VII because no one else wanted them. The capital is Twerkistan, which is so small it doesn’t appear on any contemporary internet maps.
• Harmonia: Contraria’s ancient enemy,  the country next door. The capital is Fore-Apart, which is where you can catch the train called the Rainbow Connection. It will take you to Barbershoppe, home of Valentine Village. The country is full of happy, contented people. Their nasty reputation seems to be entirely Contrarian propaganda.
• Svenborgia: The snottiest, most entitled country on the planet. Our story has not taken us to Svenborgia yet, but members of its royal family have made appearances. Viscount Arlo, the ghost of Viscount Jeff, and UnderDuchesses Esmerelda and Cleopatra. They are tangled up in many plots involving the protagonist’s family and events in Contraria. Svenborgian diplomatic credentials are authenticated by taste, specifically the taste of a hallucinogenic green coffee. Most Svenborgians make little use of their arms in speaking. Svenborgian weddings involve the bride and groom stamping each other’s passports. The invited guests sit behind the uninvited guests, who are chained to their seats for the duration of the ceremony. The bride and groom are pelted with rubber worms.
• The Inimical Archipelago: a secret chain of islands under Contrarian rule. The best restaurant in the islands is located at the top of the zeppelin docking spire, and serves such Inimical delights as caramel escargots, grapes with frosting, and the Inimical Gin and Tonic, which is opaque, green, fizzy, and possibly poisoned. But at least the grapes are already partially filled with wine when they’re picked! The Inimical Mopfish is an unfortunate looking creature that is inedible, but secretes a powerful euphoric that is popular as a party drug. Across the lagoon from the zeppelin dock is a lovely tidal pool, perfect for beach volleyball and water births. The prison is located at one end of the archipelago, and has its own zeppelin dock, but presumably there is no revolving restaurant there. The other end of the archipelago is Disco Island, which is dangerously close to White Faces mime cartel territory.
• Disco Island: a blighted hellscape full of mimes, located at one end of the Inimical Archipelago. A ring of ragged rocks encircles a shark-infested lagoon with a steep mountain rising from a black sand beach in the middle. There is a crystal throne in the subterranean audience chamber, and a laboratory inside the mountain peak. While there is a paternoster connecting the two, there is no zeppelin docking spire.
• Brackish Bay: a remote pirate outpost with a lovely garden, hedge maze, wedding temple, and reception hall.
• Colloquilia: a beautiful country with many figures of speech. An enemy nation. The people are deeply suspicious by nature, and very superstitious about punctuality. Colloquillian is not known by anyone outside of the country (except that our protagonist knows a bit). Known to host grand hallucination auction bacchanals.
• Plentylvania: a small country completely surrounded by (and always at war with) Svenborgia. Our protagonist’s Mother recently let it slip that she is a member of their royal family.

If somehow you have not read the entire saga, this page will make it easy to catch up.