Despite the Crowd and the Chaos
skin contact and elderberries- strenuously heterosexual
- That’s intense.
- Walking on tiptoe
- Ugh. Fuck. Off.
Tune in next time part 490 Click Here for Earlier Installments
Despite the crowd and the chaos, it wasn’t hard to ascertain that none of the yeti in the cavern were wearing headbands.
“She’s not around,” I said to Tatiana.
“Then go FIND her!” Tatiana snarled through her next contraction.
John’s antics were dying down. In a few more seconds I’d lose my chance to slip out unnoticed. Reaching the corridor, I barely had time to wonder how I would avoid being spotted away from the auction when a yeti-ninja bumbled into me. Thirty seconds later he lay incapacitated and I had donned his woolly costume, granting me unlimited freedom to roam Oksana’s little subterranean kingdom in search of a midwife.
My conscience twinged at that. My mission was to save my brother, and Tatiana’s problems were of her own making. Except, well, it had taken two to tango on that throne.
I grumbled to myself, “Ugh. Fuck. Off. With. The. Moral. Dilemmas.” Sending the midwife in the right direction seemed the least I could do for Tatiana, but first I had to find her.
The fourth corner I turned led me into a break room of sorts, and there at a table by the soda fountain was a yeti wearing a colorful band around her head. His head? Its head. No matter. Walking on tiptoe, I approached the yeti reputed to be skilled at delivering babies. Such a manner of walking allowed me to blend in with the other occupants of the break room, because, being so-called ninjas, they liked to act sneaky.
“Hey there,” I said. “One of the auction guests is in active labor and could use your help.”
“That’s intense.” The voice was gruff. The band-bedecked head angled my way. “Too bad I’m on break.”
The midwife was a she, I was now sure. For in addition to being able to imitate the call of any bird or beast, I am also strenuously heterosexual (at least most of the time) and thus adept at noticing subtle things, such as the fact that the utterly naked, hairy biped speaking to me had female genitalia.
“I think it’d be best if you finished your break later,” I said. “She’s pretty far along.”
“Why don’t you go handle it?” the midwife said, turning back to her coffee. “It’s easy. Just remember: skin contact and elderberries.”
bonus points for using them in reverse order