Contrary to What Alfred Hitchcock Would Have You Believe
extremely unlikely to do at a hotel- decorated with stuffed birds
- staring at their tight asses and glistening abs
- “I was very much surprised.”
- imagine my surprise to receive this photograph of my mother
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Contrary to what Alfred Hitchcock would have you believe, murder is something most people are extremely unlikely to do at a hotel decorated with stuffed birds, which is why so many in the hospitality industry choose that design motif for their guest rooms. The discomfort in my bladder, though, was so great that I was considering bucking the trend and killing both Hildegard and her father so that I would be able to pee in peace, despite the frozen aviary surrounding me. In a bizarre Bumpengryndian touch, there were as many marble nudes as taxidermy fowl in the honeymoon suite. It was strange to imagine how many couples had spent their first night as a married couple amid these stone Adonises, staring at their tight asses and glistening abs, feeling (probably) inadequate by comparison.
These thoughts distracted me, and I relaxed almost enough to begin urinating. Then Hildegard’s father waved his silk handkerchief in my face, saying, “I was very much surprised.”
I swore under my breath as my bladder slammed shut and my kidneys groaned.
“Did you hear me?” my new father-in-law demanded. “I said I was very much surprised.”
“By what?” I said peevishly. “By the intrusion of virtual strangers into your bathroom?”
“There are no strangers in Bumpengrynd, my boy! No, I was surprised to find this in my mailbox today.” He thrust a large envelope at me. Inside was a salacious snapshot and a folded piece of paper.
He thought he was surprised? Well, imagine my surprise to receive this photograph of my mother dressed in only the bottom half of a Contrarian warlord’s dress uniform. While I sat on the toilet.
I hardly dared read the accompanying note.
bonus points for using them in order