Category: Stichomancy Prompts

I Found a Paternoster

  • by jenhums constantly
  • spend our Christmas Eve murdering crustaceans
  • we’re just two gals cleaning in our underwear
  • Donuts are never morally sketchy
  • escorted Violet and Harriet

Tune in next time part 413      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I found a paternoster before I found the stairs, and was glad of it. It was a long, long way up to the laboratory in the mountain peak where Jim had tethered the zeppelin. A paternoster is a series of doorless compartments on an endless belt that hums constantly along, carrying people up and down through tall buildings. Or, in this case, through the heart of an evil, mime-and-ventriloquist-infested island lair. I watched the opening in the wall for a few seconds to make sure I had the timing right, and was about to step into the briskly rising cubicle when two women appeared from behind a curtain. They looked startled to see me.

One of them was dressed in a beret and a black and white striped bodysuit. Her face was painted a deathly white. Her companion wore a tuxedo-inspired bustier, complete with top hat and bowtie. Before the curtain fell closed I caught a glimpse of a video monitor showing the crystal throne and the Mingus puppet, and a complicated set of joysticks.

I said, “Does Myndilynn know it’s you two controlling her husband?”

“Who us?” said the frightened tuxedo girl. “We don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just two girls who spend our Christmas Eve murdering crustaceans.”

Her mouth stopped moving, but her voice continued, seemingly coming from the flopping jaw of her mime friend. “We’re just two gals cleaning in our underwear! Our names are Violet and Harriet. We’re ever so innocent, General!”

I should have recognized the sisters immediately. Violet and Harriet Donut came through the Academy a few years behind me, but their reputations… Let’s just say the Donuts are never morally sketchy — they are full tilt amoral, nothing sketchy about it.

It would be foolish to let them go, so I escorted Violet and Harriet onto the paternoster, and we began our long ride to the summit.

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After All the Exertions

  • by Kentfelt in dire need of a beer
  • these California candy bars
  • something other than your face
  • “Tut, tut, child; tut, tut,”
  • I uncurl and rub the

Tune in next time part 412      Click Here for Earlier Installments

After all the exertions of reaching this island, plus those that happened here in the throne room, I felt in dire need of a beer. But I had no time to relax with a cold beverage, not with Jim on the loose. My need to be away from these “California candy bars” (as we used to say at the Academy) was even more dire.

But I acted calm, as if I had come over to their side. Not that I even knew what that meant. But when dealing with knockout gas, if it sprays in something other than your face it’s not very effective. So I needed to be able to get my epaulets close so the tiny squirrels could do their job.

Standing between John and Tatiana, I triggered both my shoulders’ nozzles. With a gentle hiss, the gas sent them tumbling into dreamland. I turned to catch Tatiana, acting surprised, and when Myndilynn leaned close to see what was wrong I gassed her, too.

That just left the Mingus puppet, which remained standing. Its eyes continued to follow my movements. Unnerved, I aimed a squirrel at Mingus and hit him full in the wooden kisser.

“Tut, tut, child; tut, tut,” he said.

“You have to let me go,” I stammered. “It might already be too late to stop my brother.”

“Forget about Jim,” Mingus boomed, and I wondered how he knew which of my brothers I was talking about. “His plans are doomed as soon as I uncurl and rub the sacred banana leaf.”

I ran from the throne room, the life-size puppet’s maniacal laughter echoing after me.

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I Didn’t Have Time to Stand Around While These Weirdos Laughed About Slug Eggs

  • by jenan unfamiliar accent
  • What a soft voice!
  • superfluous mouthsounds
  • endless chain of consequences
  • only had 10 doses

Tune in next time part 411      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I didn’t have time to stand around while these weirdos laughed about slug eggs. My nefarious brother Jim had surely docked his stolen zeppelin by now, and must already be making his way into this lair. Not knowing whether the Mints were expecting him gave my trepidation an unfamiliar accent. The voice in my head — What a soft voice! — told me to play along with the puppet and those he puppeted, to gather what information I could before Jim’s imminent arrival upset the balance of power one way or the other.

John and Tatiana were still talking about the slug eggs, gulping and smacking their lips and making other superfluous mouthsounds as they predicted what it would be like to watch me eat them.

If I had known, back in the water beneath the pier when John attacked me with a harpoon, that my escape would lead to an endless chain of consequences that would bring me here to Disco Island to watch a giant ventriloquist puppet and his wife plot with John and my latest baby-mama-to be, I might have made slightly different choices.

I put on my General underpants and trousers, and remembered something Aloysius had told me as he stitched my uniform. “All Contrarian military uniforms include capsules of knockout gas,” he’d said. He was running low and only had 10 doses to give me, but he showed me where the hidden trigger was, and how the gas would spray out of the mouths of the epaulet-squirrels.

I shrugged into my General jacket. Perhaps I was not at such a disadvantage after all.

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Maybe We Should Explain

  • by Kentkiss today goodbye
  • I am already jaded
  • glut of slug eggs
  • Life’s too short for uncomfortable underwear.
  • you get the so-called “munchies.”

Tune in next time part 410      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Maybe we should explain it to him,” Myndilynn said. “There is a lot to accomplish in a short amount of time, and we can kiss today goodbye. If he understands, maybe he’ll get on board with the plan.”

John shook his head. “I have known this asshole so long that I am already jaded about the possibility of ever getting him to cooperate. We just need to do things the old-fashioned way. Good thing you have that glut of slug eggs. That really is good timing.”

“Hang on,” I said, but Tatiana’s laughter cut me off.

“I like the old-fashioned way!” she crowed. “The persuasion is so elemental. Universal. Visceral. Life’s too short for uncomfortable underwear. And that, oohhh ho ho, that is really uncomfortable.”

“Let’s go back,” I said. “Myndilynn’s suggestion seemed like a good idea.”

Now it was Mingus’s turn to laugh, his wooden head lolling back and jaw swinging loosely. He composed himself, all the cords that controlled his facial movements coming taut again as he fixed me uncannily with his glass eyes. “Those eggs might also come in handy if you get the so-called ‘munchies.’” His puppet gaze wandered knowingly to John, Myndilynn, and Tatiana, and soon they were all chortling and trying to avoid eye contact with me.

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This Life I’ve Been Living

    • by jenno good for my health
    • unexpected circus
    • wearing lipstick and satin pants
    • “You’re drunk.”
    • glitter in your vagina

    Tune in next time part 409      Click Here for Earlier Installments

    This life I’ve been living is no good for my health, or my sanity. As soon as whoever was ventriloquizing Mingus made him utter the words “Frozen Yogurt Robot” I knew that things were about to take an unexpected circusward lurch, and if I wasn’t careful I’d soon be wearing lipstick and satin pants and all the rest of it, performing at a child’s birthday party.

    “If you think I’m going to dress up like a clown on Wednesday, or any other day, you’re drunk.” I pointed at the trio and their unsettling puppet. “You’re drunk.”

    “Are all the men in your family assholes?” Tatiana said. She went on in a mocking imitation of my deep voice, “Now that you’ve got my magnificent magical baby glitter in your vagina, babe, I’ll be on my merry way. I’ve got lots of asshole business I gotta do.”

    “None of this was my idea!”

    Mingus’s wooden head swiveled to look at me, and his stiff eyelids clicked in a blink.

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If You Have a Crystal Throne

  • by Kenta game you can play at parties
  • “Seems kind of hinky to me.”
  • unwittingly volunteered
  • something to console my growing fears
  • Ahem: Frozen Yogurt Robot

Tune in next time part 408      Click Here for Earlier Installments

If you have a crystal throne, and your guests are sufficiently uninhibited, then there is a game you can play at parties that bears much resemblance to what Tatiana and I were doing. John and the Mints hung around to watch. I would have preferred a bit of privacy, but Tatiana appeared to relish the attention.

When John commented about part of our performance being especially interesting, the Mingus puppet replied, “Seems kind of hinky to me.”

Upon receipt of my DNA, Tatiana dismounted primly and said, “Next Wednesday, then. Don’t be late.” While she gathered her clothes, I looked to Myndilynn and John to find out what I had unwittingly volunteered for. They exchanged knowing glances and cryptic nods, in Myndilynn’s case also quite coquettish, dashing my already faint hopes of hearing something to console my growing fears that I was, once again, tangled up in deep political maneuverings of which I had no grasp.

“Does he have everything he will need for Wednesday?” John asked. “Here’s the list of supplies.” I began getting dressed, warily monitoring the conversation.

Myndilynn sneered. “That’s so out of date. The most important thing is missing!”

John shrugged.

Myndilynn huffed and Mingus said, “Ahem: Frozen Yogurt Robot.”

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Unlike My Twin, Who Was America’s #1 Wedding Rapper

  • by jendisliked attending weddings
  • invited a tyrant
  • the scent of roses
  • you never know when something like that could be true
  • need a longer snake

Tune in next time part 407      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Unlike my twin, who was America’s #1 wedding rapper, I disliked attending weddings. I avoided them whenever I could, and there were many times I wished I could have avoided my own, since it invited a tyrant of a father-in-law into my life. Fleur and I had married at the White House, and the scent of roses always reminded me of those long, long days of Contrarian ceremony in the Rose Garden with the Warlord glowering at me. I bring this up to illustrate how different Jason and I were on a fundamental level. I tried to explain to Tatiana that while the stars might think I was a suitable substitute, she really ought to think things over before jumping into parenthood with me. I ended my speech with, “There are so many cautionary tales about evil twins, and you never know when something like that could be true.”

But she just smiled at me and said, “You’re both evil in your own way, and right now I just need your DNA.”

While I’d speechified, Myndilynn had somehow gotten Mingus off the crystal throne, leaving it free. They stood off to the side, both nodding coquettishly. Tatiana began a short, sultry strip tease that quickly got my attention. By the end of it we were both nude. She reached for my Little General and said, “It looks like I don’t need a longer snake charmer’s dance. Shall we?” And she seated me on the throne and climbed atop.

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I Hoisted My General Trousers

  • by Kenthalf the scientists were seasick
  • “Ooo boy!”
  • scourge upon our taste buds
  • found the voicemail hilarious
  • It wasn’t.

Tune in next time part 406      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I hoisted my General trousers. “Let me see that chart.” I crossed to John quickly and snatched the parchment out of his hands. It was not an ancient document, merely something handwritten on rough paper. Much of it was smudged and very little of the penmanship was passable.

“The research team deserves a medal for this,” John said. “The only coordinates from which they could get the readings were in the remotest part of the ocean, and their vessel had no electrical subsystems. Yet they completed this document, without access to computers and even though half the scientists were seasick.” He laughed. “Ooo boy!” He mimed throwing up, laughing some more. “These science-nerd types, they’re not sailors, apparently.” His sound effects as he acted out another geysering stream of vomitus made everybody wince, the psychosomatic bile rising as a scourge upon our taste buds.

He took out his phone. “You gotta hear this,” he said. “One of them called me, soon as they reached shore. I am so glad I missed the call because it meant I got this message. Oh, it’s a keeper.” He then played us a five-minute recording of a quavering voice giving what amounted to a routine field report which just happened to include mention of a couple dozen people barfing a lot.

By the redness of his face we knew John found the voicemail hilarious. It wasn’t.

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I Didn’t Have Time for Any Rap Battles

  • by jenwithout an inflatable octopus
  • raised a single finger and
  • pregnant with her first child
  • , along with my underpants.
  • except when it suited him to be Russian

Tune in next time part 405      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I didn’t have time for any rap battles. I needed to know what my brother Jim was up to. With a sad shake of my head I said, “I’m afraid I can’t perform without an inflatable octopus. It’s in my contract.” I raised a single finger and mimed signing the important paper.

“We’re not asking you to rhyme,” the giant Mingus puppet said. “At least not right now. I thought our message to you was clear. The star charts all indicate that today is the best day for Tatiana to become pregnant with her first child, and that you are the only suitable candidate.”

Not this again! Before I could even voice my protest, Tatiana yanked down my General trousers, along with my underpants. “You said we could use your crystal throne for this,” she said to the Mints.

Myndilynn gave a coy nod.

“Just a second,” I said, dropping the lisp. “There’s something you should know.” I reached for my pants.

“That’s not Jason,” Mingus said, as Myndilynn gave her head a sultry shake.

Tatiana looked me up and down. “If the star charts don’t mind, neither do I.”

John strode out from behind the crystal throne, consulting a large sheet of parchment. I should have known he’d be involved in this. He’s always been super into astrology, except when it suited him to be Russian Orthodox to keep himself in his grandfather’s will.

“The times of their birth are within the same 10 minute window,” he said. “The stars will allow the substitution.”

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From the Pier, Tatiana Escorted Me

  • by Kentnothing but dark memories
  • many lives, or only one
  • She nods flirtatiously.
  • back into the family business
  • My colleague won.

Tune in next time part 404      Click Here for Earlier Installments

From the pier, Tatiana escorted me across the black beach and into a cleft in the sheer rock face. The hidden doorway she opened revealed stairs, but not going up toward the stolen zeppelin. We descended for quite a while, my uneasiness growing. I had never met Myndilynn Mint, but I knew Mingus before he married her. We did one mission together, of which I have nothing but dark memories. What had he told his wife about the experience? Had he thought I betrayed him? It surely must have seemed that way at the time. But Myndilynn thought it was Jason being brought before her, which might work to my advantage. In the spy biz it’s good to have many lives, or only one identical twin you can impersonate to evade your enemies.

The stairs bottomed out at last in an echoey torchlit passageway. A minute later I was in an audience chamber where Myndilynn sat upon the lap of the wooden puppet of Mingus, which sat upon a throne of crystal.

“You wanted Jason brought to you immediately?” Tatiana addressed to the woman in the puppet’s lap. The answering nod reminded me of something about Myndilynn. She nods flirtatiously. It seems to be something she doesn’t realize she’s doing.

I doffed my hat with the badge that said “General” and bowed from the waist. Trying not to overwork the lisping, I said, “I assume you are trying to pull me back into the family business?”

Myndilynn nodded again, with that sly quirk of her eyebrow that always happens concurrently. But it was Mingus who spoke, his familiar baritone voice jolting me as I watched the puppet’s jaw flop around in crude synchrony with the words.

“We’ve missed your talents, Jason. I had a colleague who also rapped, but he was greedy and challenged for full control of the wedding division. My colleague won. Former colleague, of course.”

I pretended to stare at the puppet, but my concentration was on Myndilynn. Her mouth didn’t move. And how would she match his voice so exactly?

“Now that you’re back,” Mingus went on, “all will be restored.”

It had been only a blind guess that Jason was mixed up in Ventriloquist Syndicate affairs. Now to maintain my charade, I would have to keep up the bluff.

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