A Cast of Thousands

It’s been quite a while since we updated the Dramatis Personae for our ongoing chain story. Let’s remedy that, shall we?

Due to the sprawling nature of the chain story, this update turned out to be quite the project. We had to read the whole thing, and take notes in between bouts of laughter. In order to get something up today, we’re going to start with the new information about our unnamed protagonist and his family. Next week we’ll have the entries for all of his new friends and enemies, as well as an introduction to the various nefarious organizations that inhabit his weird and overcomplicated world.

New facts about our protagonist:

His name is five syllables long, but we still don’t know what it is. As per family tradition, he was born at the North Pole. He learned everything he knows about stealth during his time as a stowaway on a tramp steamer in the South China Sea. Unlike his twin, he can sleep anywhere. He has blue-gray eyes and a super hairy chest. There is a tattoo hidden under his chest hair, given to him by Tessa. It contains, of course, a hidden message. While at the Academy he learned how to control the minds of others through an odd vocal technique he calls “hypnotoading,” and also how to break through most hypnotic trances. He is not English. He refers to his intuition as “The Ladies.”

His family:

Our hero’s family owns an inflatable woman factory, and it is rumored that all the men in the family have a certain exotic compound in their semen.

• Jim: Our protagonist’s younger brother, and the only twinless sibling in the family. He is a triplet, along with Jemima and Jemma. He has a southern drawl, small feet, and lots of theories about twins. Like most of the family he has a grudge against Mother. He claims to never use sex as a distraction while using sex as a distraction. Last seen in Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s subterranean apartment/laboratory, making out with the Professor’s unnamed girlfriend. Once worked in a bank with Kelly, the love of Jason’s life, and slept with her. Has a wife named Esmerelda.
• Jemima: One of the triplets. Wears a dashing green and blue cardigan. Is currently drugged by Jim and under his control. Last seen locked in Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s bedroom with Jemma.
• Jemma: One of the triplets. As the youngest female in the family she is promised to the Guild of Fire Eaters, and has the tattoos on her spine and ribcage to prove it. Wears a dashing green and blue cardigan. Is currently drugged by Jim and under his control. Last seen locked in Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s bedroom with Jemima.
• Jack: Turns out our hero’s father isn’t dead after all. He’s mixed up with the Contrarians in a bid to either become President of the United States (of Australia), or found his own rogue nation. Whatever his plans, he’s blowing through his whole treasury to pay for prostitutes. Jack spent his youth in the rural lava fields of Iceland. He has never been convicted of anything, or even charged, but many people call him The Devil. At one point in time he dated his ex-girlfriend’s sister, daughter, and niece at the same time. His faked death involved being run over by a backhoe. He signals his cohorts through the use of a linen pocket square because he is allergic to silk. Wants the protagonist’s help to defeat John and Tessa, but is refused. Last seen engaged in group sex with Esmerelda, Cleopatra, and Darlene in a black velvet room in an unnamed country.