A Cast of Millions

Last week we updated the cast list for our chain story, Tune in Next Time, with new information about our unnamed protagonist, and entries for the new members of his family that we’ve encountered. This week we’re rounding out the long, long list of his friends and enemies. It’s often hard to tell whether someone is a friend or foe, or both. This cheat sheet probably won’t make that much clearer. Sorry. Such is the nature of this story.

New Friends and Enemies:

• Esmerelda: UnderDuchess of Svenborgia.  Sister of Cleopatra. Married to our protagonist’s brother Jim. According to Jack (protagonist’s father), she demands unblinking eye contact during a fingerbang. She stopped wearing red after “the incident” – but will make an exception for passing messages using the washerwoman’s code. Wanted our protagonist to dissuade his father from wasting so much money on prostitutes. Has mastered spoken morse code. Last seen engaging in group sex with Jack, Cleopatra, and Darlene in a black velvet room in an unnamed country.
• Cleopatra: Sister of Esmerelda. UnderDuchess of Svenborgia, or possibly an UnderDuchess once removed – it’s so hard to remember all the rules. Sometimes passes herself as a bartender nicknamed Isaac, and has some fire eating skills, but whether she’s really a member of the Guild of Fire Eaters is unknown. Has a messenger-goose named Gordon. She wears a prosthetic butt over her real butt, per old Svenborgian tradition. Used sex to recruit our hero to her cause, which turned out to involve his father so he bailed. Last seen engaged in group sex with Jack, Esmerelda, and Darlene in a black velvet room in an unnamed country.
• Viscount Arlo of Svenborgia: everyone is in agreement – this guy is such a dick. Being Svenborgian royalty, he’s probably related to Esmerelda and Cleopatra. He is bald, and wears an eye patch, and his genitals are apparently fantastically gilded and filagreed. He had a relationship with our protagonist’s mother sometime in the past, and is currently sleeping with Fleur (who is rumored to have hired a fitness coach for him because he chunked up recently). Had a magnificent white crystalline lair until Tessa blew it up. Last seen berating his henchmen for only bringing him our protagonist and not Jason as well, then being incapacitated by Tessa.
• Jenkins: a dark-skinned, dark-eyed, and deadly woman. Is quick enough to take out ninjas. She’s always been vixenish, ill-tempered, and impulsive. She’s in league with Svetlana and Heinrich in a scheme with an undefined goal. Dropped the Tessa-Bot off the roof, thinking it was the real Tessa, and was not happy when she discovered the substitution. Last seen unconscious from electrocution on the street in Valentine Village.
• Joan: another Academy alum. Currently employed at Valentine Village, where she dresses as Aphrodite. An expert in the use of weaponized cosmetics. Last seen in her dressing room at Valentine Village.
• Setsuko: a rogue mime whom our protagonist has had a crush on forever. She is an Asian woman with green hair and the same unicorn tattoo on her butt as Tessa. She was educated in English and Swiss boarding schools, as well as the Academy, which makes her tongue action during licking codes very crisp and meticulous. She has pretty feet and unexceptional ankles, and is perhaps not exactly female. Last seen in an alley in Valentine Village, naked.
• Dr Absinthia Belladonna: former headmistress of the Academy, where she murdered her predecessor to get the position. Turned to rocket surgery after leaving education, and was in the process of developing an amazing new technique for using rockets to operate on people instead of operating on rockets. Last seen dead by her own surgical rockets in her underground apartment/laboratory in Harmonia.
• Hipster Jane: has been involved in the music business forever, first as half of Jane and Able, then in promotions after Able disappeared under suspicious circumstances. Also taught Suspicious Circumstances 101 at the Academy. Dresses like a cheap 70s streetwalker. Smokes. Has red hair and a foot fetish. Last seen heading into the Academy’s root cellar with a barefoot John.
• Betsy Murgatroid: attended a rival Academy. Developed “darts of insanity” that make everything feel and smell exactly like fried chicken. Her partner is Fernando. Uses insect noises as flirtation and enjoys convoluted role playing during sex. Is on a quest to collect some of the “exotic compound” in our protagonist’s semen. Last seen in the subbasement below the Academy’s root cellar, failing at the last possible second to get a sample of that exotic compound.
• Fernando Heavens: Betsy’s partner. He has a nose like a snail shell and a chin like the toe of a boot. Is married to a woman who seems disapproving of his dangerous profession. Likes to use his walkie-talkie in unnecessary circumstances. Has an odd affection for ferret leather shoes. Last seen in the subbasement under the Academy’s root cellar, stymied in his attempt to give chase by a tangle of debris.
• Darlene: an Asian woman with a cough who spends time with our protagonist’s father Jack. Probably a prostitute. Probably involved in Jack’s bid to regain power. Last seen engaging in group sex with Jack, Esmerelda, and Cleopatra in a black velvet room in an unnamed country.
• Taylor, Tara, Tanya: sisters of Tessa and Tallulah. They are younger than Tallulah, and follow her orders to a T, which implies that they are evil. All four of them have a master whom they obey. Last seen along with Tallulah entering Jason’s lair upstairs from Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s apartment/laboratory.
• Tesla: yet another sister of Tessa’s, with whom she used to pair up against the rest of the brood. She has fair skin and red hair, and spent some time married and living in France but that ended poorly. She vanished when her marriage fell apart, but resurfaced (as it were) aboard the submarine at the Academy’s secret submarine dock. Last seen setting the vessel in motion.
• Nathaniel: we haven’t met Nathaniel yet, but he sounds dangerous. He lived with Tallulah at one point. He has four brothers, all mortal enemies of Tessa.
• Aimeloxym: Myxolemia’s identical cousin, also with metal stud eyelashes. Got her training at the same ranch in the high desert as Freya. Was posing as a mermaid at the Contrarian National Aquarium to pass along secret messages using a bubble code. Is pretty vicious with a harpoon gun. Last seen unconscious outside the aquarium.
• Hildegard: John’s ex-wife, except she calls him Maurice. She wears a red coat and gloves, and a tinsel boa. Last seen fleeing the Rainbow Connection train in Harmonia after trying to strangle Uncle Jinx.
• Yoda: a dumpy person in a Yoda mask, true identity unknown. Gave our protagonist a coded message and a pair of Crocs. Last seen sleeping in a dumpster full of scorched bikinis behind a strip club in Harmonia.
• Gordon: a messenger goose belonging to Cleopatra. Delivered a Tibetan candy bar as part of the confectioner’s code. Last seen at Cleopatra’s apartment.
• The Professor: mentioned in passing after he was kidnapped by squirrels.
• The Professor’s Girlfriend: unnamed woman with one leg. Last seen making out with Jim in Dr Absinthia Belladonna’s underground apartment/laboratory in Harmonia.
• Great Hammer: a retired professional wrester and sometime lover of Thor. He’s probably the one who betrayed Jack. Has a fatal weakness for soup, which will make it easy for Thor to poison him if they ever meet again.
• The Donut Man: has a transplanted hand that does not match the rest of his complexion. Enjoys making people eat donuts at gunpoint. Uses a licking code to pass messages. Seems to know Tessa. Last seen on the crowded streets of Valentine Village.
• Transylvania Homicide Detective Regis St Oink Oink: a famous Harmonious cartoon.

Organizations:

• The Academy:  official name – The Hopscotch Academy. Seemingly located somewhere in Europe, this elite, private academic institution educates young people in the arts of spycraft and espionage. It boasts a secret submarine dock, and a root cellar with a subbasement. The Academy’s students wear scarlet uniforms; skirts for the girls, kilts for the boys, unless they are wearing wetsuits. Extracurriculars include the Ninja Defense League and rugby. The chess team is called the Anacondas. There has never been a prom. There are several rival schools, and their competitions can be deadly. Many obscure kinds of codes are taught, and training exercises can be both x-rated and grueling. Former staff includes Headmistress Dr Absinthia Belladonna, and Hipster Jane. Alumni include our protagonist and his numerous siblings, Tessa and her sisters, John, Joan, and Setsuko.
• Pirates: the literal, seafaring variety. Little is known about them except that they have a powerful union, and women are grossly underrepresented among their ranks. They seem to be falling on hard times, which perhaps explains their willingness to form the Pirate-Ninja alliance. The two pirates we’ve met are Captain Jorgensen and Aphrodite Hunter. Jorgensen captains a three-masted frigate, but due to his insolvency flies a cellphone ad in place of the Jolly Roger, and his ship is crewed by cheap mime labor.
• Ninjas: due to their near total silence, they have incredibly sensitive ears. Like pirates, ninjas lose all honor when they’re angry. Also like pirates, they have a strong union and a dearth of female members. Sometimes ninjas go feral. Ninja camouflage is the best camouflage, and when it falters it’s usually because they want it to. They sometimes treat themselves with contact hallucinogens, so be careful about engaging in hand-to-hand combat with any that are visible because it’s probably a trap. There are several factions of ninjas, including NSFW, the Ninja Society or Furtive Warfare (one of the mercenary dojos) and Ninja-Vision, an especially dangerous and deadly faction that have a giant hollow television on wheels as their mobile HQ. Michiko is the daughter of Ninja-Vision’s leader. If he’s not actually a ninja, Heinrich is heavily involved with them. Tessa has deep yet mysterious connections to the ninjas.
• The Pirate-Ninja Alliance: this unlikely alliance is in its infancy, and there is distrust on both sides. At least one faction is in formation in the Sea of Imbroglio, off the South Dakota coast on the orders of Aunt Züg posing as Mother. Jason is involved with a ninja-pirate splinter cell, and Aphrodite has an ambition to rule the alliance.
• Mimes: the best known mime cartel is the White Faces. They are so far-reaching that Venezuela is part of their territory. They once held Tessa captive. One of their spies infiltrated the ninjas, but that didn’t go well for him. When their missions require them to speak, it is called “walking against the wind.” Setsuko was once the world’s most celebrated mime, but she has gone rogue.
• Pinkie Swears: a mysterious organization, the high-ranking members of which tattoo their pinkies fluorescent colors. They all have terrible halitosis. Jason may have been inducted as a member. Cleopatra was tending bar at his tattooing ceremony.
• The Guild of Fire Eaters: Little is known about them except that they lay claim to Jemma, being the youngest female in our protagonist’s family. She has tattoos marking their claim. Cleopatra has fire eating skills, but it’s unknown whether she’s a member of the Guild.
• Vegetable Militants: also known as vegerebels and vegan separatists. They wear vegetable masks and use blowguns. They call Thor the Hamburger Heathen and are strongly opposed to his Presidential Decree of Universal Carnivorousness.
• Valentine Village: located in Harmonia. When it was owned by Uncle Jinx it was a Christmas-themed amusement park named TinselTown. Upon Jinx’s assumed death it was inherited by our protagonist. By the time he visits it has been rebranded as Valentine Village and is, obviously, love-themed. And sex-themed. Can’t forget the sex. It is staffed by people in Cupid and Aphrodite costumes. Everything is pink and lavender and frilly. There is a donut shop that sells Scorpion Angel Cremes, which have hallucinogenic properties. There are bachelor auctions and raffles. A network of tunnels sprawling beneath the park retains its Christmassy color scheme. Some tunnels are full of tinsel, but you can still see signs of the wild fishermen who lived in the region years ago.

Countries:

• Contraria: the home country of our protagonist’s wife, Fleur. It is ruled by warlords, of which her father is the main one. The capital is Funkistan, but their sanitation is woeful, so the royal hospital is in Pittsburghistan. The warlords of Contraria are heavily into calligraphy. And rituals. So many rituals. They also have a prophesy for every occasion.
• Harmonia: Contraria’s ancient enemy,  the country next door. The capital is Fore-Apart, which is where you can catch the train called the Rainbow Connection. It will take you to Barbershoppe, home of Valentine Village. The country is full of happy, contented people. Their nasty reputation seems to be entirely Contrarian propaganda.
• Svenborgia: our story has not taken us to Svenborgia yet, but members of its royal family have made appearances. Viscount Arlo, and UnderDuchesses Esmerelda and Cleopatra. They are tangled up in many plots involving the protagonist’s family and events in Contraria.