It Would Have Been A Mercy
collapse like one of those fainting goats- owned a car with a cassette player
- It would be easy, then, to label Hungary a unicorn
- doesn’t have any shame
- parrot fever
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It would have been a mercy to be able to collapse like one of those fainting goats, just slump off the toilet seat, and maybe with unconsciousness would come sufficient lassitude to void my bladder. The thought of lying in a puddle of my own filth was welcome next to the reality confronting me from this photo. But even seeing Mother like that didn’t shock me quite enough to grant my wish.
Hildegard’s father snatched the picture and the note back from me. “Why are you reading my mail?” he demanded shrilly. “I’m so old, I once owned a car with a cassette player. So don’t think I don’t know how things work. The only thing I was never very good at is geography, and I’ve got a system for that now too.” He babbled about his tricks for remembering maps, his gesticulating hands crinkling the note, but, I noticed, not causing even one crease in the photograph. After five minutes of nonsense about the shapes of countries in eastern Europe, he seemed ready to toddle away. But Hildegard filled the brief pause, saying airily, “It would be easy, then, to label Hungary a unicorn, provided one’s map reflects the Treaty of Ampersands. Otherwise the outline is all wrong.” This renewed the elderly man’s enthusiasm for the topic, and he droned for another ten minutes. I tried to tune him out, let his incessant voice become like a babbling brook to ease my task.
He snapped his fingers at me, breaking the spell. “Nothing worse than a newlywed groom who doesn’t have any shame. What’re you sitting there for? Get outta the way, I need to pee!”
“So do I!” I bellowed.
He laughed, trading sly glances with this daughter as he pointed out something in the note I hadn’t yet read. She tittered and said, “I suppose that would explain why they call it parrot fever!”
bonus points for using them in order
This dude is going to end up like Tycho Brahe.