Tagged: sister

Isolde Ignored Fleur’s Command

  • by jenThank god for vinyl upholstery.
  • time flows uphill
  • The same, of course, is true of bandits.
  • forced to eat snow
  • yelled what was obviously an insult

Tune in next time part 743      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Isolde ignored Fleur’s command and just stood in the bathroom doorway.

“Go! To! The! Bridge!” Fleur repeated, punctuating each word with a hearty splash of bathwater. “Take! Me! To! Prague!” Isolde dodged, and most of the water landed on my bedroom furniture. Thank god for vinyl upholstery.

Isolde finally said, “Fine!” and stomped away. She called back over her shoulder, “But you’ll regret it when you remember who lives in Prague these days!”

Fleur was quivering with indignation. While she seethed and grumbled about her sister’s insubordination, I signaled Tessa to get a quick breath of air. Hopefully I would be able to get my wife out of the tub before we reached the Czech Republic. Who knew how long the side-trip would take us? When you’re on a zeppelin time flows uphill, or so it seems. The same, of course, is true of bandits. On a zeppelin, bandits always flow uphill. But you knew that.

“Regret!” Fleur cried belatedly. “Regret! We’ll see who has regrets, dear sister, when you’re forced to eat snow!” And then she yelled what was obviously an insult.

“Maybe you should go with her and make sure she tells the pilot the correct thing,” I said, while wondering who Isolde had been talking about. Who, exactly, lives in Prague these days?

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“Perhaps They Have More Camembert”

  • by jenMy shaman and I
  • Since being bludgeoned by the octopus
  • not, however, universally popular among actual rappers
  • “Screw you guys, I’m going home.”
  • with a plaster cast of her dead husband’s hand

Tune in next time part 741      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Perhaps they have more camembert in the galley,” I said as calmly as I could. I tried to arrange the babies above water and my legs underwater to thwart Fleur’s probing hands. The last thing I needed was for her to find Tessa now.

“My shaman and Isolde both told me today would be a good day,” Fleur pouted. “Since being bludgeoned by the octopus at the zamboni entrance is a good omen, I believed them. Like a fool.” She stared into my eyes and said forlornly, “The magic camembert is gone. Jason ate all of it but that one last piece.”

I should have foreseen that. THC-laced cheeses are hot on the wedding rap circuit, even if they are not, however, universally popular among actual rappers. “Is Jason still aboard?” I asked. “You could have him searched for any cheese he might be smuggling.”

“No,” Fleur said. “When I wouldn’t let him have that last wedge, he said, ‘Screw you guys, I’m going home.’ and strapped on a parachute.”

I was desperate to get the sisters out of my bathroom so I could get Tessa out of my bathtub. I was so desperate that I decided to lie. “On my rounds earlier I saw a cheese hamper under the portrait of your grandmother. You know, the one with a plaster cast of her dead husband’s hand on top of her head.”

“Her coronation portrait?” Fleur was intrigued. The drugs in her system were working in my favor. “I’ll send someone to check.”

“Don’t you think you had better go yourself? You don’t want anyone else to bogart it. Isolde can go with you to help you carry it. It looked like an awfully heavy cheese hamper.”

My gorgeous sister-in-law cocked one eyebrow at me. Perhaps I’d pushed things too far.

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The Last Time I Saw Isolde

  • by jenlantern-jawed hero
  • vinyl purse full of Jell-O
  • brought these two miscreants aboard
  • leprechauns are land-based organisms
  • make him look and sound positively ridiculous and dainty beyond belief

Tune in next time part 735      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The last time I saw Isolde was at Enigma Fortress, right after she’d given birth to a large number of babies. I never did manage to get an accurate count before I had to leave my post to venture into the caves beneath it. If she didn’t know who these children’s father was, they must not be from that magnificent brood we’d somehow created together. But she was right, they were probably mine. I wondered who their mother was.

Isolde sighed in frustration. “Act like the lantern-jawed hero and answer me! Don’t just sit there like a vinyl purse full of Jell-O. Time is of the essence. I didn’t see who brought these two miscreants aboard the zeppelin. I think they might be spies.”

“Spies?” I cried. “That’s ridiculous. They look barely old enough to walk.”

“I’ll just put them in the tub and we’ll see. If they float, then they must be leprechauns, and are therefore spies disguised as babies.”

“Hang on, hang on!” I said. This bathtub was crowded enough already. “First of all, leprechauns are land-based organisms. And second, what if they don’t float? I can’t let you try to drown innocent babies.”

Isolde shook her head and addressed her sister. “Fleur, I can’t believe your husband. His bizarre opinions and all the bubbles make him look and sound positively ridiculous and dainty beyond belief.”

Fleur just chuckled and licked the cheese.

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So Far Nobody had Noticed the Three of Us on the Sofa

  • by jenmesmerizing fiddle music
  • he moved in a kind of circle
  • graced by his peacocking presence
  • upgrade your underwear
  • But who had licked them?

Tune in next time part 681      Click Here for Earlier Installments

So far nobody had noticed the three of us on the sofa, which was surprising given the garishness of my new uniform. But my sartorial crimes paled in comparison to those of the individual who strutted in behind the children, dressed in a blue panda costume. The panda went to the record player and managed, even with his big furry paws, to turn it on. From speakers all around the petting zoo came mesmerizing fiddle music, the sort often played at haunted carnivals. The panda clapped his paws four times to the beat while he moved in a kind of circle around the lambs. I knew immediately who was inside the costume. He’d been wearing one not unlike it on a blimp not unlike this one in the not-too-distant past. Plus, I’d recognize that dancing anywhere.

“It’s Jim!” Esmerelda whispered frantically.

That was the conclusion I’d come to, too. Jim. Her husband, my brother. The way he moved showed that he expected us all to feel graced by his peacocking presence.

Esmerelda tried to climb over the back of the sofa to hide, but Cleopatra stopped her. “It’s time to upgrade your underwear to big girl panties and talk to him.”

Panda Jim was still dancing his shamanic dance with the livestock. From the tilt of his head I thought perhaps he was eavesdropping on us.

Suddenly I noticed that my fingers were wet. I was so intent on reading my brother’s body language that I didn’t notice how it happened, but they were certainly wet, and it was certainly saliva that made them so. But who had licked them? One of the Svenborgian Underduchesses? One of my children? One of the animals? Or something worse?

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I Narrowed My Eyes

  • by jenyours just happens to be immediately visible
  • we watched professional bowling
  • the bakers are in revolt
  • I’ve never been shushed by anyone other than my family
  • played German dodgeball

Tune in next time part 679      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I narrowed my eyes. “Everyone has ulterior motives, yours just happens to be immediately visible.” In truth I was sure only that there was an ulterior motive. The nature of it was anyone’s guess.

The sisters sighed in unison and stepped away from me. “He’s no fun,” they said to each other.

“If it’s fun you want, track down my dad. You seemed to have a good time with him.”

“With Jack?” asked Esmerelda. “We watched professional bowling, that’s all.”

“That wasn’t all,” I said. “I was there. I saw.”

“Don’t forget,” said Cleopatra, “we also talked about the dreadful state of the pastries. Esmerelda, you said, ‘It’s like the bakers are in revolt!’ and Jack said, ‘Actually the bakers are revolting.’ Remember how we laughed? That must be what he’s talking about.”

“I’m talking about how you were all naked and climbing all over each–”

“Shh!” both sisters hissed.

I’ve never been shushed by anyone other than my family. It startled me. If you’d ever been shushed by my family you’d know that it felt like you played German dodgeball for an hour. The precision and fury of their shushes was brutal and relentless, and often left bruises. But the shushes of these sisters were so different, so gentle. It was like a lover’s caress.

Which made it the perfect distraction. Why would they so vehemently deny their dalliance with my father when there was no one around to overhear?

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Weaponized Humor is Nothing to Laugh At

  • by jenwhat they called “The Toboggan Club”
  • the yeti cost you your leg
  • even her closest friends didn’t know
  • by all the females congregated therein
  • noisy sucking

Tune in next time part 673      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Weaponized humor is nothing to laugh at. “Two Peanuts Walking Down the Straße” had been banned by the Helsinki Convention after Svenborgia used it to devastating effect in their skirmishes with the Pirate-Ninja Alliance. And now I was in charge of Contraria’s humor divisions. It was a heavy burden. I looked forward to my promised shower as a place to clear my mind, even though zeppelin plumbing is well-known for the noisy sucking sounds it makes.

On the way to our royal suite, Fleur took me to see our children. My excitement upon entering the nursery was dampened by the leering looks thrown at me by all the females congregated therein. They were all women who had borne me children, and it was quite alarming to see them all in one place. Isolde was there, surrounded by the squadron of babies she’d delivered at Enigma Fortress. Fleur told me that even her closest friends didn’t know for sure how many there were.

YoYo was there, too, the Yodeler from the Mountain Garrison who swore up and down she didn’t believe in twins. I wondered how she’d coped when she delivered the pair in her lap, but before I could ask I noticed that she now only had one leg. When the children were conceived she’d definitely had two.

She saw where I was looking and said, “Yeti attack.”

“The yeti cost you your leg?” That seemed highly unlikely since the “yetis” of the Paradoxica Region were just people in yeti costumes.

There were other women, too. Too many to take in. Fleur told me they were all members of what they called ‘The Toboggan Club”.

“Get it?” my wife asked. “Toboggan. Because they all took a ride.”

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One Final Shove

  • by jenstop licking your arms
  • the flippin’ nipple
  • My sister ditched me
  • breathless rumor-mongering
  • a sluglike glob of substance

Tune in next time part 605      Click Here for Earlier Installments

One final shove from Tessa sent me through the hole and I landed atop John in a painful heap. So far, no poop, which meant I’d been right about how disused this outhouse was. I scrambled off John and stood with my back against the wall, making room for Tessa. John wasn’t as quick, and in a second Tessa came feet-first through the hole and landed gracefully on top of him, the oil lamp in her hands.

John groaned. I reached down to help him stand and found him nuzzling his own arms. “What the hell, stop licking your arms!” I cried.

John threw me both a withering look and a gesture from our Academy days called the flippin’ nipple. “They hurt,” he complained.

“What are you, a dog? Licking them isn’t going to help.”

“I don’t need this from you,” John said. “My sister ditched me at the auction because of all your breathless rumor-mongering. I had to finish the job by myself.

I wondered which sister he was talking about.

“On your feet,” Tessa said. She reached to help John stand, but recoiled when she saw a sluglike glob of substance on his gloved hand. “That had better be a slug,” she muttered savagely.

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“There’s No Time to Explain”

  • by jengiraffe bikini
  • making laser noises from the shadows
  • thick, plastic liquid that hardens in a few hours
  • brothers and sisters I’ve apparently never met
  • gripping the animal by its dainty hooves

Tune in next time part 595    Click Here for Earlier Installments

“There’s no time to explain,” I said. “We have to get to Twerkistan.”

“We can’t.” said Tessa. “The weather is awful, and all you’re wearing are giraffe bikini briefs.”

I sighed. “You’re right. I wish my clothes would dry faster.”

“So since we do in fact have the time, why don’t you tell me who you think the cop is.”

“She’s not really a cop. She just likes to dress like one.” I tried to think how best to describe her. “Her name is Jessamin. She’s my sister, and she’s a villain. I’ve been chasing her for years, and she’s always one step ahead of me, making laser noises from the shadows and laughing. Once she broke into my room and dipped all my most precious things in a thick, plastic liquid that hardens in a few hours.”

“You have brothers and sisters I’ve apparently never met,” Tessa said.

“I have brothers and sisters I’ve never met. My parents got around.”

I shuddered at the memory of my stuffed pegasus, once so soft and cuddly. I pictured Jessamin preparing to encase it in plastic, gripping the animal by its dainty hooves, a wicked grin on her face.

But what was she doing interfering with a police investigation in Twerkistan?

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“Who Built You?”

  • by jenbehind which lurk
  • just an hour and a half later
  • resulting fist fight
  • bought the soundtrack on a cassette tape
  • barred from the theater for behaving inappropriately

Tune in next time part 533      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Who built you?” I asked the Tessabot. I wondered whether it was the owner of the all-too-familiar voice on the self-destruct message, or if she was merely the evil facade behind which lurked an even greater danger.

“All I know is that Tallulah built the first Tessabot, and just an hour and a half later I was created using the same plans.” She sucked the bean juice out of another taco. “Everything she is programmed to do, I do 90 minutes later. The resulting fist fights have taken many people by complete surprise. But who created me, and why, is a mystery.”

It was the same old song, one I’d heard many times. So many, in fact, that it was like I’d bought the soundtrack on a cassette tape and memorized it and later got myself barred from the theater for behaving inappropriately by trying to start up a Rocky Horror-style floorshow.

I sighed and asked, “And who are you supposed to be marrying today?”

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Isolde Crooked Her Finger

  • by jenpractically kissing my cheek
  • name of your sex tape
  • capable of extraordinary cruelty
  • the ice-master caught the first sight
  • winning the war against time

Tune in next time part 459      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Isolde crooked her finger, beckoning me closer and closer until her eyelashes were practically kissing my cheek. She whispered, “The soothsayers soothsay it’s triplets, at least. Harry is just thrilled.”

“Is that why he’s causing scenes at cotillions?” I asked snippily. I hadn’t forgotten that Fleur expected me to act as Harry’s lawyer.

“Causing Scenes at Cotillions,” said Jim. “I do believe that’s the name of your sex tape, brother.”

Isolde trilled a high-pitched laugh. She obviously found Jim charming. My brother had that effect on women, largely because they didn’t know he was capable of extraordinary cruelty. At the Academy, the Ice-Master caught the first sight of Jim’s mean streak, and the poor man was never the same again.

I stood to my full height and straightened my General’s frock coat, vest, and cravat. “So, Jim, I am to believe that you flew through a blizzard in an airship to tell me that Freya wants to see me, when either you or she are perfectly capable of sending a telegram? And Isolde, who is barely winning the war against time in regards to delivering her children, just tagged along for fun?”

It was time to deploy that lie-suppressing trigger phrase.

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