{"id":8670,"date":"2022-07-04T09:04:41","date_gmt":"2022-07-04T13:04:41","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/?p=8670"},"modified":"2022-07-05T22:05:17","modified_gmt":"2022-07-06T02:05:17","slug":"i-asked-the-offensive-waiter","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/i-asked-the-offensive-waiter\/","title":{"rendered":"I Asked the Offensive Waiter"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-full wp-image-13\" src=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/j-avatar-e1443983489508.png\" alt=\"by jen\" width=\"81\" height=\"81\" \/>cutting off the wrong guy\u2019s head<\/li>\n<li>a monkey chaser<\/li>\n<li>flowers in their hands<\/li>\n<li>in which a mustachioed man holds two tomcats<\/li>\n<li>I hope they jammed their fingers into him<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Tune in next time part 709 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0<a href=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/tune-in-next-time\/\">Click Here for Earlier Installments<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n<p>I asked the offensive waiter, &#8220;What&#8217;s your name?&#8221; I needed to know so that later when I complained to the Royal Contrarian Event Planner about his lack of respect, I wouldn&#8217;t be <em>cutting off the wrong guy&#8217;s head<\/em>-waiter promotion chances.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Percival,&#8221; he improbably replied.<\/p>\n<p>I twisted the cap off the soda bottle as I committed the name to memory, then I tipped my head back and chugged the whole thing. In my experience, Mountain Dew is always accompanied by <em>a monkey chaser<\/em>, but Percival hadn&#8217;t brought one. As I swallowed and swallowed, my eyes darted around the room in search of something, anything, to counteract the sugary burn. I saw women with <em>flowers in their hands<\/em>, which were of no use to me. The beverage hit my system hard and I experienced that classic Dew-induced hallucination <em>in which a mustachioed man holds two tomcats<\/em> above his head. Without a monkey chaser to dull the effects, I was in for a hell of a ride. I cursed Percival&#8217;s negligence. With the time-warping powers of the Dew I vowed to make his whole life until this moment a misery. I hope his schoolmates teased him. <em>I hope they jammed their fingers into him<\/em> and tickled him mercilessly.<\/p>\n<p>The bottle was drained. I tossed it aside and perused the lyrics once again, and it was only as I opened my mouth to sing that I realized this was not Gilbert and Sullivan&#8217;s &#8220;Major-General&#8217;s Song.&#8221; It shared the same tune, but the lyrics were all specific to me and my life in the Contrarian military. The words tumbled out.<\/p>\n<p>bonus points for using them in order<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"Stichomancy Writing Prompts\" href=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/stichomancy-writing-prompts\/\">about stichomancy writing prompts<\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/stichomancy-writing-prompt-generator\/\">try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>cutting off the wrong guy\u2019s head a monkey chaser flowers in their hands in which a mustachioed man holds two tomcats I hope they jammed their fingers into him Tune in next time part 709 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0Click Here for Earlier Installments I asked the offensive waiter, &#8220;What&#8217;s your name?&#8221; I needed to know so [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[319,4],"tags":[91,16,454,403],"class_list":["post-8670","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stichomancy-prompts","category-writing-prompts","tag-bonus-points","tag-effervescent-concoction","tag-song","tag-tune-in-next-time"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8670","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=8670"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8670\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":8674,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/8670\/revisions\/8674"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=8670"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=8670"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=8670"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}