{"id":4686,"date":"2017-03-13T08:17:38","date_gmt":"2017-03-13T12:17:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/?p=4686"},"modified":"2017-03-10T15:23:52","modified_gmt":"2017-03-10T20:23:52","slug":"i-like-my-thighs-unperforated","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/i-like-my-thighs-unperforated\/","title":{"rendered":"I Like My Thighs Unperforated"},"content":{"rendered":"<ul>\n<li><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright size-full wp-image-13\" src=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/06\/j-avatar-e1443983489508.png\" alt=\"by jen\" width=\"81\" height=\"81\" \/>who also worked at the bank<\/li>\n<li>avoid being intimate with Jim<\/li>\n<li>I tried and tried to explain to him<\/li>\n<li>&#8220;Jesus wants me to be a dick,\u201d<\/li>\n<li>I\u2019ll be using your name<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p><strong>Tune in next time part 161\u00a0<\/strong><b>\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0<\/b><a href=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/tune-in-next-time\/\">Click Here for Earlier Installments<\/a><\/p>\n<p>I like my thighs unperforated, so instead of climbing down the ladder into the tunnel, I jumped. My landing was cushioned by the\u00a0piles of tinsel that got thrown down here when the place was rebranded as Valentine Village. I had to wade through heaps and drifts of the stuff as I made my way through the labyrinth. In the soft light that bounced off every surface, I consulted the crude map Svetlana had scrawled on my palm.<\/p>\n<p>When I reached the correct door I took a deep breath. I was not looking forward to this confrontation.<\/p>\n<p>I crouched down and peered through the keyhole. In the gaudy lavender and pink room on the other side, I saw my twin, Jason, as I had been told to expect. What was a surprise was the presence of Kelly. She was the love of Jason&#8217;s life, and she&#8217;d gone to prison in my stead once upon a time, through no fault of my own. She worked at the bank we robbed, and she was sleeping with my brother Jim\u00a0<em>who also worked at the bank<\/em>. Jason begged her to find ways to <em>avoid being intimate with Jim<\/em>, but she claimed there was no other way. <em>I tried and tried to explain to him<\/em> that if Kelly truly loved him she wouldn&#8217;t be banging our brother against his wishes, but Jason was blinded by love. He let Kelly walk all over him.<\/p>\n<p>Like now.<\/p>\n<p>Jason was still wearing the priest costume he&#8217;d adopted while hiding out at that little church in Rhode Island. He was laying on the floor, and Kelly was standing on his back, digging her toes in.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;You&#8217;re a naughty, naughty priest, aren&#8217;t you?&#8221; she purred.<\/p>\n<p><em>&#8220;Jesus wants me to be a dick,&#8221;<\/em> he groaned.<\/p>\n<p>I burst into the room before things could get any tawdrier. Kelly shrieked, and then started laughing. I looked down and saw that miles of tinsel had gotten entangled in my leg hair, making it look like I was wearing shiny disco chaps. It did not add to the menacing air I wanted to exude, but it did cause a distraction. While Kelly guffawed and Jason tried to figure out what was so funny, I pounced. Moments later I had the two of them bound hand and foot.<\/p>\n<p>&#8220;Sorry Jason,&#8221; I said. &#8220;For Step 4 of Svetlana and Heinrich&#8217;s plan\u00a0<em>I&#8217;ll be using your name<\/em>.&#8221;<\/p>\n<p>bonus points for using them in order<\/p>\n<p><a title=\"Stichomancy Writing Prompts\" href=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/stichomancy-writing-prompts\/\">about stichomancy writing prompts<\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/stichomancy-writing-prompt-generator\/\">try our stichomancy writing prompt generator!<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>who also worked at the bank avoid being intimate with Jim I tried and tried to explain to him &#8220;Jesus wants me to be a dick,\u201d I\u2019ll be using your name Tune in next time part 161\u00a0\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0Click Here for Earlier Installments I [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[319,4],"tags":[91,341,403],"class_list":["post-4686","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-stichomancy-prompts","category-writing-prompts","tag-bonus-points","tag-clothes","tag-tune-in-next-time"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4686","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4686"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4686\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4696,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4686\/revisions\/4696"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4686"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4686"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/runeskelley.com\/skelleyverse\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4686"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}