To The Cocky Princeton Freshman

• (What we deem offensive is probably about what you’d expect)
• cocky Princeton freshman
• instill fetishes in human beings
• the police force in Prefrontal, Nebraska
• she says, “Open up your mouth, man.”

To the cocky Princeton freshman she says, “Open up your mouth, man.” He does. “Shut your eyes.” He does. The waitress was holding a can of whipped cream the whole time, so his cooperation was understandable. Of course, he’d been hitting on her relentlessly for an hour, so it was also understandable that she crammed his “generous” tip into his ignorant maw and then sprayed him in the puss with the whipped cream while he spat out nickels.

The ensuing disturbance at Tipsy’s Diner was not the sort of event that the police force in Prefrontal, Nebraska was really prepared to deal with. They overreacted a tad, storming the place in full SWAT getup and arresting everybody they didn’t recognize as a local.

Of course, being a frosh, this cocky twerp had never been in cuffs before. In the back of the van he discovered that he liked it, which would eventually inspire his master’s thesis on factors which instill fetishes in human beings. Which was what got him kicked out of Princeton. His advisor wrote, “This offensive paper made our chihuahuas retch. (What we deem offensive is probably about what you’d expect)”

So, yeah, I knew him before he was a supervillain.