Tagged: sex

The Gruff-Voiced Individual

  • by jenI like a good montage
  • I’m like, Hey! A little privacy here!
  • buckle the fuck up
  • the bird in the paper bag
  • his undershirts snap at the crotch

Tune in next time part 615      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The gruff-voiced individual appeared from behind the door of the minifridge and stood to his full height. He was wearing a fluorescent green wig and sharing a palm-tree-shaped bikini with another similarly bewigged man.

“Bandits,” Tessa whispered.

This underground adventure had been going on so long, it was getting tedious. I like a good montage from time to time, so I’ll employ one now.

Tessa gives me a taste of my own medicine by doffing her clothes and pouncing on Uncles Gramophone and Daguerreotype. I use the bathroom (I forgot to do that when I was in the actual outhouse) and get walked in on by a different set of Uncles, and I’m like, Hey! A little Privacy here! and they’re like, This is our bathroom, bub! Buckle the fuck up and get the fuck out! and I hurry out and find Tessa in the position we call The Bird in the Paper Bag, and Tessa tells the uncles not to be jealous because “his undershirts snap at the crotch” and I get so embarrassed I run down the tunnel without her, all the way to Twerkistan, while she just laughs and kisses all the uncles.

End of montage.

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The Four Uncles

  • by jendrive your dreams!
  • huddling together for warmth
  • enjoyed a few hours’ sleep
  • wipe it on the doorknob
  • just like after a parade

Tune in next time part 613      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The four uncles gathered around me, purring and sweaty. It was a sight to drive your dreams! We did our cool-down exercises and ended up in a pile on the floor, huddling together for warmth. I dropped off and enjoyed a few hours’ sleep, but was awakened abruptly by the robotic facsimile of my true love tugging insistently at my ankle. I wanted to rub my eyes, but my hand was quite a mess.

“Why don’t you wipe it on the doorknob?” the grumpy Tessabot hissed. “Isn’t that what they taught you at the Academy? Like after prom, or after health class, or just like after a parade of debauchery you called Homecoming?”

I crawled gingerly out of the pile of uncles, doing my best not to disturb them. They must be at least as exhausted as I was.

“Why are you so mad?” I demanded. “You’re the one who used me as a diversionary tactic while you made your escape. And what doorknob are you talking about? There are no doorknobs in this tunnel.”

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The Women Continued on Without Me

  • by jena very acceptable person as far as we were concerned
  • at the top of their lungs
  • doing a weird semi run waddle
  • my head whirled in dizziness
  • I am a full-on karaoke person

Tune in next time part 523      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The women continued on without me. I stumbled to my feet and found Heinrich proffering a garden hose, which I used to rinse off. As I sat in the sun to dry off, Heinrich said, “Svetlana and I are in the market for a third, and Marnie was a very acceptable person as far as we were concerned. She’s petite enough that she’ll fit in the harness with Svetlana.” He gave me a wry look. “Assuming you didn’t just get one or both of them pregnant.”

I had nothing to say to that, which was fine because the women announced their own umbrellas’ inversions at the top of their lungs and anything I said would have been lost in the erotic cacophony.

As I dressed, Heinrich readied the hose again and went around the hedge doing a weird semi run waddle, with his half-removed bear suit dragging behind him. I wanted to leave before they came back, but couldn’t remember if I was supposed to be gathering information from them. When I tried to piece together the numerous conspiracies I was surrounded by, my head whirled in dizziness. Deciding that if I left I would only invite more chaos into my life, I stayed put.

From far away in the garden I heard the thumping beat of YMCA. You might not know this about me, but I am a full-on karaoke person, and few songs get me as jazzed as that disco classic. I jumped to my feet and got ready to sing.

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“I Want Him Back for the Same Reason I Married Him”

  • by jenone thing led to another
  • tempt you into sleeping with your ex
  • with tantric sex thrown in
  • the madman could have still been in the house
  • up to my ankles in long wet grass

Tune in next time part 521      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I want him back for the same reason I married him in the first place,” said Marnie. “Revenge.”

Svetlana gasped. Heinrich chortled and scratched his belly. Marnie explained that her family and her husband’s had been feuding for generations and that their marriage was actually an elaborate ploy on both sides to wreak havoc. She went into great detail and I got a little bored with her tale, and one thing led to another, and eventually I confronted the trio in the clearing.

Svetlana’s eyes lit up when she saw me. Heinrich said, “Ignore him, sweeting, he’s merely going to try to tempt you into sleeping with your ex.”

“We were never a couple,” I said.

“It wouldn’t take much to tempt me,” Svetlana said. “I quite enjoyed our last romp.”

“I don’t have time right now,” I lied. I needed to find a way out of this garden if I wanted to get back to my life, whatever my life looked like now.

Svetlana rose to her feet and began a swaying, hypnotic dance. She approached me while Heinrich grumbled and scratched his belly some more. “Could I tempt you,” Svetlana asked, “with tantric sex thrown in? I’ve learned a few things since the last time we were together.” She pressed herself against my bare chest and I could not resist. We tumbled together into a hollow beneath the shrubberies for a rousing game Svetlana called The Madman and the Housekeeper. I was the housekeeper.

At some point Marnie joined us. The madman could have still been in the housekeeper’s headlock at that point, but I can’t remember for sure. It went on for a very long time, and was very invigorating. Finally Heinrich called, “Svetlana, are you about done? We need to get going.”

Svetlana arched her back and replied, “I’m up to my ankles in long wet grass! Give me a moment!”

She being a contortionist, Svetlana’s ankles weren’t currently located where you might suppose, which made her comment about the grass a little more impressive.

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My Stomach Growled Like the Bear I was Chasing

  • by jensmear it on the underside
  • as enjoyable as possible for both of us
  • I learned ‘Very Social’ = Unabashedly Enthusiastic Swingers into BDSM.
  • I was completely naïve
  • Will your mom be cool with that?

Tune in next time part 517      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My stomach growled like the bear I was chasing. While the chef was distracted by a tray of tater tots, I snatched up a slice of bread. A few feet along the buffet table I found butter, and a knife with which to smear it on the underside of the bread — a trick I’d learned at the Academy.

Munching my snack, I trotted through the garden in search of Marnie Glockenspiel and her ursine companion. As I neared another turning in the hedge maze, I heard voices coming through the vegetation. I paused to listen. To my shock I recognized both voices. One was Marnie, the other Heinrich Hunter. And then a third voice. Svetlana, the contortionist who traveled the world hidden inside Heinrich’s shirt.

Svetlana, mother of my quadruplet sons, said, “There’s plenty of room in here, Marnie, and I promise to make it as enjoyable as possible for both of us. You’ll love it. We’re very social.”

I dropped to the ground and peered underneath the bushes. Heinrich was sitting on the ground, having shed the top half of his bear suit to expose Svetlana. Svetlana was working hard to convince Marnie to join her inside Heinrich’s clothes. While they talked I learned ‘Very Social’ = Unabashedly Enthusiastic Swingers into BDSM. Before overhearing this sordid negotiation I would not have thought I was completely naïve, but all I could think was “Will your mom be cool with that?”

I mean, my mom probably would be, but most moms wouldn’t.

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“What a Magnificent Periscope!”

  • by jenrecently found love for the colloquialisms
  • and six half-brothers
  • hoped it was a prank
  • your crazy-ass granddaddy
  • cats are not a rare species

Tune in next time part 471      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“What a magnificent periscope!” Oksana squealed.

For one chilling second I thought I’d been spotted, until I realized she was utterly fixated on what she’d found in Jim’s leather trousers. I had no interest in watching their libidinal activities, so I put my own (actual) periscope away. I could still hear them, though.

Jim purred, “Your recently found love for the Colloquialisms is adorable.”

“Colloquilia is a beautiful country,” Oksana said, her voice breathy. “And their figures of speech even more so.”

“I used to spend summers there with my twin sisters and six half-brothers,” Jim drawled.

That was a lie. With our father and mother both being president at various times, travel to the enemy nation of Colloquilia was strictly forbidden. I didn’t know what Jim was up to, but I hoped it was a prank as opposed to treason.

Jim went on, “Why did your crazy-ass granddaddy abdicate the throne?”

“He didn’t have a choice, if he wanted to live,” Oksana replied. “Now, Jim, I want you to stalk me like a Paradoxica Snow Panther.”

Oksana was Colloquilian? Snow cats are not a rare species here in the mountains, but exiled Colloquilian royalty certainly are.

What was Jim up to?

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The Following Hours Were a Blur

  • by jenthe way you remember a bird pooping into your open mouth
  • ended in the anticlimactic dishonor of
  • not as if she were working at Olive Garden
  • normally wash your shoes
  • I’m your dentist

Tune in next time part 447      Click Here for Earlier Installments

The following hours were a blur. I remember William saying, “I’m your dentist. Now open up.” And later YoYo said “You’d normally wash your shoes after something like that, but you’re not wearing any.” I contemplated tipping YoYo, but decided not to since it was not as if she were working at Olive Garden as a waitress.

The whole thing ended in the anticlimactic dishonor of being walked in on by Yesterday shortly after the mushrooms wore off and the three of us collapsed exhausted. I will remember that tryst the way you remember a bird pooping into your open mouth: a messy, slightly berry-flavored surprise.

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“Summon My Zeppelin”

  • by jengoing utterly numb
  • light fixtures had long ago been stolen
  • with such instructors
  • with just ten minutes and a chair
  • kill him and eat him

Tune in next time part 431      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Summon my zeppelin,” I ordered.

“I’m sorry to say that there’s a blizzard,” said YoYo, not sounding sorry at all. “Your zeppelin is grounded. You will be alerted immediately when it is safe to take to the skies. In the meantime, these jeans are so tight my bottom is going utterly numb. Surely you’d like to help me remove them.”

“Perhaps some other time.” I groped about in the dimness. “Dammit, where’s the light switch?”

“It’s right here,” said YoYo. “But it won’t do you any good.” She explained that the light fixtures had long ago been stolen by marauding Harmonians. “Now about these jeans.”

“If I’m to act as Harry’s lawyer, I need to brush up on Contrarian Law.”

YoYo placed my hands upon her zipper. “I’ve heard that you were educated at The Hopscotch Academy. With such instructors as they have there I’m sure you know more about Contrarian Law than most Contrarian lawyers.”

“There’s no way that’s possible. All things Contrarian are ridiculously complicated.” I looked sternly at her. “What game are you playing, Yolanda?”

“I will show you, with just ten minutes and a chair, and maybe a little bit of whipped cream.”

The thought of YoYo (or myself) covered in whipped cream was too much, and I gave in. The snow was too heavy for my zeppelin to return me to my wife, it was too dark to study for my upcoming legal duties, I had already had sex with YoYo and survived, so no matter what her plan was I felt pretty safe. Plus if she was naked it would be easy to search her for hidden weapons.

“Just once more,” I said, stripping her tight jeans off. “After all, what’s the worst that can happen?”

“If Harry is found guilty his accusers are allowed to kill him and eat him,” YoYo purred, pushing me back onto my feather mattress and startling the fox.

I guess it’s a good thing I never liked Harry very much anyway.

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For Four Days My Military Zeppelin Soared Through the Sky

  • by jengreat unconquerable natural wonder
  • grow weary of having a whimsical name
  • stories of properly requited love
  • crystal crown
  • like two cats with their tails tied together

Tune in next time part 427      Click Here for Earlier Installments

For four days my military zeppelin soared through the sky toward Enigma Fortress, and the entire time my libido was a great unconquerable natural wonder, despite the best efforts of Yolanda the Yodeler. She went about the gondola scantily clad, and insisted that I call her YoYo. I myself would grow weary of having a whimsical name like that. It’s good that my moniker is so sensible.

When we were still one day out from the fortress, the Paradoxica Mountains appeared below us. YoYo became desperate to have her way with me, and I must admit I found her frenzy both flattering and arousing. I had become quite accustomed to frequent releases and my four day dry spell felt interminable.

As I held YoYo at arms’ length I asked her why she was so desperate. I needed to know what it was that made my fluids so exotic and desirable. She pouted and told me stories of properly requited love, implying that it was me she coveted and not the substances my body produced. She knocked the General hat from my head and replaced it with a crystal crown, declaring me the king of her heart. I could resist her charms no longer, and we made love in the Contrarian fashion. Instead of doggy-style, it’s like two cats with their tails tied together. It’s quite ritualistic, and took most of the rest of our flight time.

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“Harry,” Isolde Said Warningly

  • by jenwait for it to burn itself out
  • undoubtedly he had been
  • I have and it’s not fun.
  • his loins captivated by her sheer roundness
  • with an hour or so to kill

Tune in next time part 377      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Harry,” Isolde said warningly, “ignore the jealousy that enflames your heart and wait for it to burn itself out. The General has always performed his duties well and faithfully, even before he achieved his rank.”

Her husband spluttered. “I’m certain he had been biding his time, waiting for his chance with you.”

“Undoubtedly he had been.” Isolde laid her hand on his froggy cheek. “And if you hadn’t been so seasick you would have been present for our wedding. It’s certainly not the General’s fault he was called upon to act as your proxy. If it’s anyone’s fault, it’s yours.”

Harry’s broad face turned bright red. He snorted through his nose. “Have you ever vomited during a marriage ceremony, Isolde? I have and it’s not fun. Not fun at all!”

Isolde gasped. “You’ve been married before?”

“It didn’t count,” Harry said, paling. “Because of the vomiting. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how strict Contrarian law is about such things. If the groom vomits, the marriage is annulled, and due to double jeopardy it can never be redone. The groom’s brother or uncle must step in and wed the bride, and the vomiting groom may never bed her, even if his loins, captivated by her sheer roundness, are on the point of bursting.”

While this minor soap opera played out mere feet from us, Fleur began to move atop me again, at the stately pace of someone with an hour or so to kill. The Frenchman had not reacted as she had anticipated, most likely due to the distraction Isolde and Harry provided. Was that part of her plan? I tried to ask her, without using words.

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