Turkey Coma Edition
Enjoy your time with family, friends, and all the leftovers!
A writing partner is someone you enjoy spending time with. A great writing partner is one who makes a mean pecan pie.
Tagged: holiday
Staycation
We’re taking the week off. Sorry for the late notice.
Keep cool!
Happy New Year 2021
We made it!
That’s it. That’s the post.
Happy Winter Holiday of Your Choice
Happy Solstice! And Hanukkah! And Christmas! And Kwanzaa! And Boxing Day! And Yule! And Diwali! And Saturnalia! And Festivus! And every damn holiday this month! Why not celebrate them all? 2020 has been a slog, and now it’s finally limping to a close. We all deserve a bit of festivity, even if we have to celebrate alone. Be kind to yourselves and others. Stay home. Enjoy a special dish or drink. Read a good book, watch a good movie, listen to some good music. Look forward to next year’s holidays when things should be back to normal.
I Delivered the Traditional Malediction
During the holiday season we like to choose our stichomancy prompts from festively themed sources. This year we’ve opted for Dickens’s classic A Christmas Carol. We wanted to avoid as many humbugs as possible, so these lines might not be instantly recognizable. But for us that’s part of the fun.
- a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old sinner
- died seven years ago, this very night
- so he said “Pooh, pooh!” and closed it with a bang
- The bell struck twelve
- went to fetch the goose
Tune in next time part 556 Click Here for Earlier Installments
I delivered the traditional malediction upon the chef, remembering to imitate Arlo’s sniveling accent. “Give to us a suitable feast, though you be a squeezing, wrenching, grasping, scraping, clutching, covetous, old sinner. It will probably taste like the corpse of your predecessor, who died seven years ago, this very night, but pray that these fine guests will overlook its horrid stench and gritty texture.” While memorizing these lines, I learned that this chef was, indeed, coming up on his seventh anniversary of employment. I tried to avoid the man’s sorrowful eyes, pushed the distressing tale from my mind.
But that story was the only topic of conversation at the high table. The hapless previous chef’s offering had been rejected at a reception much like this, the groom taking his duties quite seriously and hurling the cook into the allegedly ceremonial grave. The grave in that case had been equipped with a lid, and the groom’s mouth was still full of the vile cuisine, so he said “Pooh, pooh!” and closed it with a bang. The narration always left off at this juncture, never revealing the poor man’s eventual fate. I had to assume they never let him out, and wonder if the food could possibly have been that bad.
Our fare did not resemble corpseflesh in any way that I noticed, which came as a huge relief for several reasons. Also, the PSLM² finally took the stage and drowned out the morbid gossiping at our table. Unfortuately, they also inspired numerous ungainly Svenborgians to get up and dance.
The bell struck twelve. That was Jason’s cue, but he didn’t appear. I leaned over to the Tessabot and asked if she knew the reason for the delay.
“He went to fetch the goose for the dessert.” She frowned thoughtfully. “He should be back by now.”
bonus points for using them in order
With Both Jason and the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms
Happy Solstice! During the holiday season we like to choose our stichomancy prompts from festively themed sources. This year we’ve opted for Dickens’s classic A Christmas Carol. We wanted to avoid as many humbugs as possible, so these lines might not be instantly recognizable. But for us that’s part of the fun.
- Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell. Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash!
- “What, the one as big as me?”
- pointed from the grave to him, and back again
- had smelt the goose
- They were not a handsome family
Tune in next time part 555 Click Here for Earlier Installments
With both Jason and the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms on hand for entertainment, I assumed that Tessa meant we would be dancing to a recording of Metallica. I was wrong. We entered the reception tent to a raucous live metal band. Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell. Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash!
“We have to dance over beside that amplifier,” Tessa shouted.
“What, the one as big as me?” I shouted back. “Or the one twice as big?”
The band was incredibly loud. On our way past the buffet table I snagged some marshmallows to use as ear plugs. The strobe light began pulsing as we reached our designated dance floor, and Tessa led me to dance the Robot for what seemed like hours.
Finally, the band waved goodnight and sauntered offstage. While the roadies scurried around, packing up the instruments and readying things for the PSLM², dinner service began. As is Svenborgian tradition, a ceremonial grave had been dug beside the buffet table as incentive for the chef to do a good job. As groom it was my job to threaten the poor man with death should the feast be unsatisfactory. He stood there in his toque and apron, holding a platter of roasted fowl, while I pointed from the grave to him, and back again, reciting the ancient verse.
Our ravenous guests had smelt the goose, and gathered around, impatient for me to finish the rite. They were not a handsome family, largely being Arlo’s relatives, and hunger did not do them any favors. I hurried to complete my speech before things got ugly. Or rather, uglier.
bonus points for using them in order
Happy Pandemic Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving was yesterday, but who’s counting?
Our celebration was much smaller this year. Our kids and their partners stayed safe in their apartments out of state. It wasn’t anyone’s first choice, but it was the smart thing to do. Technology let us all enjoy a visit, and everyone got enough pie.
We hope you and yours are safe and healthy.
A writing partner should be someone you are thankful for, even in a year like 2020.
“Soap Poisoning?”
It’s New Year’s Eve! What better excuse for another joint writing prompt? Unfortunately the most famous traditional song for this particular holiday has very few lyrics that anyone would recognize, and half of those are in Scottish. So we went another way with our inspiration. Can you guess it?
Once again, Jen goes first with Kent batting cleanup.
Next week we’ll return to our usual schedule of one prompt each. Happy New Year!
- all is quiet
- world in white
- with you night and day
- nothing changes
- be with you again
- under a blood red
- crowd has gathered
- arms entwined
- newspaper says it’s true
- torn in two
Tune in next time part 453 & 454 Click Here for Earlier Installments
“Soap poisoning?” I felt queasy. “Drinking soap wouldn’t be good for you, but surely it isn’t fatal.” I hoped.
“I’m just telling you what the autopsies show,” said YoYo. “And don’t call me Shirley.”
I belched again, releasing a fusillade of bubbles. Not wanting to take a chance with something so dire, I ran to my luxurious ensuite and made myself vomit into the alabaster commode. I rinsed my mouth and returned to my bedchamber where YoYo stood, looking puzzled.
“I think my Ovaltine was tainted,” I said. “It disagreed with me.”
YoYo pressed her ear against my stomach for a few seconds. “All is quiet now, General,” she said.
“I think that’s a good sign. Assuming I survive the night, what further duties might I be expected to perform?” I was beginning to wonder if the rank of general was purely ceremonial, and if I would be tasked next with parading around the world in white shoes or something equally meaningful.
“The Royal Contrarian Mountain Police will arrive this evening in their sled pulled by mountain goats. They will work with you night and day to determine who it was who poisoned your predecessors.” She crinkled her nose and shook her head. “But don’t get your hopes up for actual justice. These investigations are all for show, and nothing changes no matter what they uncover.”
I crossed the room to my wardrobe and began a perusal of the many uniforms it held. Which one should I wear for my first meeting with the RCMP and their goats? Contrarian tradition is very particular.
YoYo cleared her throat.
“Dismissed,” I said.
“But General,” she simpered. “They won’t arrive for several hours. There’s time for me to be with you again so that you can learn to love me like the cards said.”
“Thanks for reminding me,” I said over my shoulder. “Take those cards with you.” She looked crestfallen. But, much as I enjoyed YoYo physically I couldn’t afford to indulge her outlandishly romanticized ideas about us. I turned to face her. “Take those cards with you, and that’s an order.”
I stared imperiously until she complied, then turned back to the selection of military finery in my closet. Maybe I should have tried to bargain with YoYo for advice about the proper uniform for the occasion, but it was too late now. I was on my own, so I decided to wear the one with the indigo vest under a blood red tail coat. It looked both pompous and outdated, so it probably projected a great deal of authority in Contrarian culture.
There were so many epaulettes and sashes and ribbons and medals and sock garters, it took the better part of half an hour for me to dress myself. Once fully decorated, I left my quarters and attempted to retrace my steps to the courtyard. Along the way I met the yeoman yodeler who had brought me my soapy beverage. He looked quite surprised at my appearance, and I snagged him by the collar and placed him under arrest. Perhaps the RCMP would not be needed after all.
I shouted orders and a military tribunal was quickly convened. “The crowd has gathered samples of soap from every corner of this fortress,” I said. “We’ll see which matches the residue in my Ovaltine glass.”
The glass had been sent down to the fortress’s basement laboratory, along with all the soapy samples. When the analysis was complete, the results were brought to the hall of tribunal by a cadre of alchemists who entered the hall in ascending order of height — arms entwined — until the final member of the retinue had to duck to pass through the door.
“Tell us,” I declaimed, “what you have ascertained about this vile assassination attempt!”
The alchemists began to sing in four-part harmony. They started with ‘Sweet Adeline,’ as per tradition, and eventually came around to the results of their analysis: the soap was unlike any found in the fortress, and was in fact Svenborgian in origin.
“Arlo,” I muttered. “That dick.” He must be making another play for Fleur.
While the alchemists continued their concert, I had the yeoman yodeler thrown in the brig, then telegrammed my wife at home in Funkistan, warning her of the Viscount’s treachery.
Her reply was, “I won’t believe it until the newspaper says it’s true.”
I sent another message, a long rant about her blindness to Arlo’s nefariousness. The telegrapher’s wrist was aching by the time he sent the whole thing. Then, of course, per Contrarian security protocols the entire message had to be calligraphed as well, for the express purpose of being torn in two so that each piece could be burned separately to ensure it didn’t fall into enemy hands.
Reformation of Contrarian military comms procedures suddenly leapt to the forefront of my goals for how to use my influence. But, later. I had other things to tend to first.
bonus points for using them in order!!
“And in Conclusion”
Happy belated Solstice!
For this year’s Skelleyverse Holiday Extravaganza On Ice, we’ve decided to combine forces and gift you with one bonus-size edition of our chain story, instead of the usual two smaller entries. Our prompt phrases this time all come from a single source: beloved movie A Christmas Story.
Jen will start. She’ll write until she works in the first phrase, then hand the keyboard over to Kent. We’ll alternate until we get to the end of the list.
Have a joyful season, however you choose to celebrate.
- I can’t put my arms down
- Only I didn’t say “fudge”
- Not a finger!
- you’ll shoot your eye out
- this thing in the stock which tells time
- Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.
- soft glow of electric sex
- It’s a major award!
- I triple-dog-dare you!
- It was… soap poisoning
Tune in next time part 451 & 452 Click Here for Earlier Installments
“And in conclusion,” YoYo said, “That’s how I know that ‘twins’ are merely a trick done with mirrors.”
“That’s preposterous,” I said. “I myself am a twin.”
YoYo made an elaborate show of looking around the room, lifting the blankets to peer under them, craning her neck all around. “I see only one of you.”
“Jason’s not here,” I said. “We’re identical, not conjoined. He’s off somewhere causing trouble, no doubt.”
YoYo sighed sadly. “I had hoped that you would see things my way and that I would be able to finally stop this endless struggle and lay my weapons aside, but I can’t put my arms down yet. Not so long as people like you are out there denying the truth of yetis and lying about the existence of twins.”
“All I can tell you is, I have never seen a yeti but I have seen lots of twins.” Arguing about this was making my head feel soft. “Maybe we just need to accept each other’s differing views, and move on.”
YoYo pointed to her tarot spread. “You denied this, too. You told me I don’t love you, despite the clear message in these infallible instruments of prophecy!”
“Oh, fudge,” I said. Only I didn’t say “fudge” — what I said was a word in Olde High Contrarian that doesn’t really translate but sounds just like “fudge” and means, basically, “please drop this tedious conversational topic, put your clothes on, and give me a few minutes alone to think.”
“It’s like that, is it?” said YoYo. “Fine, General. Have it your way.” She stood and whipped the blankets out from under the tarot cards like a magician denuding a dining table, leaving the intricate card configuration undisturbed upon the mattress. She gathered the blankets around herself like a robe and gave me a particular kind of salute that used only a single finger. Not a finger! How insubordinate!
“I hope that’s not your trigger finger,” I quipped. “Cuz you’ll shoot your eye out on the target range if it is.”
YoYo flounced from the room in a swirl of bedding. I wondered how she would feel about twins after giving birth to some.
Exhausted from my afternoon’s sweaty exertions, I fell asleep. I was awakened sometime later by the fortress’s dinner bell. I was starving. As I rolled out of bed, I noticed that the tarot cards had been shuffled about by my naptime thrashing (my legs tend to be quite restless). Maybe their new message would dissuade YoYo from the ridiculous notion that she was in love with me. I barely had time to put my pants on before the door swung open and a soldier entered, bearing my meal on a tray. It was a simple meal, merely a small loaf of bread and a bowl of thin soup. I prodded the soup with my spoon and discovered this thing in the stock which tells time. That is to say, a pocket watch. Who could have slipped such an item into my dinner. And why?
I was so hungry that I ate the soup anyway. As I dipped the bread to soften it and then gnawed the soggy loaf, I took a shot at decoding the disarrayed tarot cards on the bed. To my amazement there seemed to be something there, if I treated it as an instance of the soothsayer’s code. B… E… S… U… Maybe I was mistaken about it being meaningful, but I plowed on, spiraling into the center of the chaotic spread. R… E… T… O… And eventually, I had a complete phrase.
“Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”
Just then came another knock on my door, and a soldier entered bearing a glass of what looked like rich, creamy, chocolate milk.
At this point I became unsure that anything from the past several hours had actually happened. Perhaps those mushrooms hadn’t been aphrodisiac purple rangers. Perhaps they had instead been hallucinogenic purple paladins. But the soft glow of electric sex emanating from my groin told me that at least some of the events had indeed occurred.
“Do you ever have one of those days?” I asked the soldier. “I feel like I’m losing my mind.”
“You should apply for the Lost Marbles. It’s a major award! Only the most tragically insane have a shot at winning, but from what the rumor mill is saying about you, General, I think you should enter.”
I surged to my feet in outrage as the yeoman yodeler said, “Enter the contest, General. I triple-dog-dare you!”
The presumptuous soldier quickly set down the glass and darted backwards from my quarters, pulling the door shut behind him. I retrieved the beverage and raised it to my lips, but something about its aroma halted me before sipping. I swirled the drink and took another whiff of the odd bouquet, trying to identify it. The salty broth of my soup, after so much perspiration earlier, had left me quite parched. Whatever type of smoothie the concoction was, it didn’t seem very thirst-quenching, but it was probably better than nothing.
I pinched my nose and chugged it.
There came yet another knock on my door. I burped and said, “Enter.”
It was YoYo. I was very surprised by her return, so soon after our rancorous conversation. She said, “I forgot to tell you this earlier. As I’m sure you know, the last four generals who ran Enigma Fortress died mysteriously.” I did not know this. “The autopsy results have finally come back.” As she spoke, she dug in her pocket and then squinted at a crumpled paper scrap to read it. “It was… soap poisoning.”
I burped again, emitting three tiny bubbles into the room.
bonus points for using them in order!
The Galley Door Opened Yet Again
In the past we’ve pulled the holiday week prompt phrases from various carols and Twas the Night Before Christmas. This year we mined two of our favorite seasonally appropriate movies, Die Hard and Elf. They make for entertaining yet uneasy bedfellows. Please to enjoy.
- with feet smaller than my sister
- except it smells like mushrooms
- now I have a machine gun
- The police have themselves an RV!
- You sit on a throne of lies.
Tune in next time part 348 Click Here for Earlier Installments
The galley door opened yet again. Jim sauntered in and asked, “What’re you hens all cluckin’ ’bout in here?”
“None of your business,” Fleur replied coolly. She squeezed our babies tighter, her eyes glued to Jim’s lack of shirt. “Is your sweaty torso supposed to make me forget I’m talking to someone with feet smaller than my sister‘s earrings?”
“Ya got t’admit,” Jim said, leering at Isolde, “they’re impressive earrings.”
“And you should admit,” Fleur retorted, “there’s nothing all that special about your glistening abdomen except it smells like mushrooms.”
“Oh, I like mushrooms,” Isolde sighed.
“Who’s flying the ship?” I demanded.
“Autopilot,” my brother said without even looking at me.
“Can we talk about Operation Yippee-ki-yay in front of Jim?” Isolde asked.
“No!” Fleur yelled. The twins started crying, and Fleur didn’t even try to soothe them. She handed the boy to Jim and the girl to Isolde. “Go supervise the autopilot. Take them with you. Leave us.”
Jim was a natural. He positioned my son along his forearm, face-down, and the baby quieted in a few seconds. And a few seconds later, the child produced a staccato eruption of flatulence. Jim aimed the diaper at Isolde. “Now I have a machine gun. Better do as I say.”
My daughter continued to wail. Fleur pinched the bridge of her nose, waiting for them to leave the galley. When the door finally shut out most of the noise, she drew a deep breath to speak.
But a different voice preempted her. And her eyes grew wide.
“Attention airship! Reverse course immediately!”
I spun to see what she was looking at. It was another zeppelin, but it appeared to be armored and its nose bore a long, sharp lance. Red and blue lights flashed on its black-and-white hide.
“That looks like a ramming vehicle,” I said.
Fleur’s shocked expression changed to delight. “The police have themselves an RV! I didn’t think the budget appropriation was going to pass this year!”
The needle proboscis of the RV swung toward us.
“Maybe tell them who you are?” I suggested.
“Oh, they know perfectly well whose ship this is.”
The RV advanced. I implored Fleur with my eyes. She rolled hers and picked up the mic.
“Okay, boys. Ha, ha. All in good fun. Now, turn aside and make way for your future queen.”
With a blare of feedback, the amplified reply shot back. “You sit on a throne of lies.”
The RV accelerated.
bonus points for using them in order