Tagged: food

I Knew Tessa Could Hold Her Breath

  • by Kentsex involves two people
  • in the middle of the Tate modern
  • all the edibles I can eat
  • jazz appreciation class
  • the elderly cheese inspector

Tune in next time part 732      Click Here for Earlier Installments

I knew Tessa could hold her breath for several minutes, and presumably her cybernetic doppelgangers didn’t need air at all. There was no need to panic provided I talked Fleur out of getting into the tub.

“Darling,” I said with a flutter of my eyelids, “wouldn’t the bed be more suitable? I’ll join you as soon as I’m clean.”

She gave me a cockeyed grin and began to strip. I realized I had miscalculated. For most people, the notion of sex involves two people somewhere cozy and private. But for Fleur, it might involve multiple rugby teams in the middle of the Tate modern. While I spluttered helplessly and continued holding Tessa’s head underwater, Fleur finished undressing and put a toe into the suds.

“Nice and warm,” she cooed.

“Hang on,” I said. “My contract as commander of the comedy garrisons entitles me to all the edibles I can eat. And yet, there are none. I couldn’t share a bath with someone who’s in breach of contract.”

My wife narrowed her eyes at me. “Why didn’t you bring this up sooner? Where do you expect me to get them while we’re in flight?”

“Probably on the bridge,” I said with a smirk. “Oh, also, I need you to get yourself signed up for a jazz appreciation class before you come back. That’s in my contract, too.”

It wasn’t, though, and she knew it. I had overstepped. I held my breath even though mine wasn’t the head below the surface. But she drew her foot back and wrapped herself up in my robe and left the bathroom.

I lifted my hand so Tessa could sit up. She glared at me through the curtain of sudsy water draining from her hair. Then we heard Fleur’s voice, and Tessa ducked back down.

“Actually,” Fleur was saying as she came back into the bathroom, tucking her phone into a pocket of the robe, “seems like the galley has the best hookup for your… contractual fulfillments. Thing is, they have multiple kinds. How are you with fermented dairy? My connection is recommending a Camembert-based infusion. He can’t say how far out of code it is, but assures me it got a passing grade from the elderly cheese inspector.”

“Maybe you should sample it,” I enthused. “Take your time.”

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As Many of You Probably Know

  • by jenOh honey, *yes.*
  • They call me Mr Carousel
  • an almost imperceptible click
  • only dispenses Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
  • large enough for a man to pass through

Tune in next time part 687      Click Here for Earlier Installments

As many of you probably know, ice is slippery. What you, like me, may not know is that Contrarian military dress footwear is polished with excretions from icicle slugs. Soles included. I whizzed and twirled across the hockey rink, pinwheeling my arms to keep my balance.

A man in the stands leapt to his feet and yelled, “Oh honey, yes.”

I spun into the wall and grabbed on to prevent myself from taking another slapstick lap. The frost-encrusted fork nearly went flying. My newest fan clambered over the seats and opened a door not far from me. He held out a hockey stick, and I used it as a lifeline to reach him and exit the rink.

“That was some amazing ice action,” he enthused. Then he stuck out his hand for me to shake. “They call me Mr Carousel. I’m a talent scout of the Royal Contrarian Icecapades. I would love to take you to the big leagues, baby.”

I gestured at my uniform. “I already have a job. And a mission.” I saluted him with my frozen cutlery and headed toward the exit. Here on dry land my shoes were only a little bit slippery, nothing I couldn’t handle. I made an almost imperceptible click with each step.

Mr Carousel wasn’t going to let me go so easily, though. “If you sign on with the ‘Capades, I can get you anything you want. You want a vending machine that only dispenses Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups large enough for a man to pass through once he eats the middle? I can get you a vending machine that only dispenses Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups large enough for a man to pass through once he eats the middle. You want chilled silverware? I can get it for you, chilled by professionals.”

His offer was tempting, but it would certainly take too long. By the time the lawyers hammered out all the details in the contract Jim and Esmerelda would be beyond help. And yet, I had always dreamt of a career in skates…

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“Just how drunk are you?”

  • by jenthe kind of tipsy where I should want to hug everyone
  • I’ll be using your name
  • filled a room with balloons
  • suspended above that giant cocktail glass
  • “Oh, it *smells* like chocolate, too!”

Tune in next time part 561    Click Here for Earlier Installments

“Just how drunk are you?” I asked my brother.

He lisp-whispered back, “I’m not drunk. I’m the kind of tipsy where I should want to hug everyone, but have you seen these guests? No, thank you!”

“When will you take the stage?” I hoped to be able to make my getaway while he had everyone entranced.

“I won’t be,” he lispered. “Instead, I’ll be using your name, Arlo, to check into the honeymoon suite. The hotel staff filled a room with balloons for the happy couple, all of them inflated with air from the Svenborgian Alps. In the bathroom there is a bathtub shaped like a martini glass, and suspended above that giant cocktail glass is a bubblebath dispenser. It might seem a little weird, because the liquid is brown and looks like chocolate syrup. But it makes you look like you have a great tan.” He grabbed a forkful of my dubious dessert. “Oh, it smells like chocolate, too!”

I was familiar with Svenborgian fauxcocoa and its mildly hallucinogenic properties. If the woman beside me had been the real Tessa, I would have been disappointed not to partake with her. As it was, Jason was welcome to it. As long as as I had an opportunity to escape the island.

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While We Awaited the Arrival of the Dessert Goose

  • by jenlike a bar of soap full of dead ants
  • I’m not particular
  • However, a pirate named
  • but you have a job to do
  • Oh, fork your sister.

Tune in next time part 557     Click Here for Earlier Installments

While we awaited the arrival of the dessert goose and my twin, the pastry chef presented us with something she claimed was our wedding cake. It looked like a bar of soap full of dead ants. I’m not particularly picky when it comes to sweets, but this looked utterly vile.

“What the hell is this?” I whispered to Tessa, eyeing the disgusting trifle.

“Svenborgian tradition dictates a fruitcake be served at weddings,” she whispered back. “However, a pirate named Jorgensen raided the kitchen last week and stole all the raisins.”

“That doesn’t entirely answer my question.”

“It might look a little questionable, but you have a job to do. And that job is cutting this cake with me and eating a bite. You have to act the part of the Viscount so no one gets suspicious. My sister Titania will be on the warpath if she finds out this is all a ruse.”

“Oh, fork your sister.”

“I believe you already did.”

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With Both Jason and the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms

by jenHappy Solstice! During the holiday season we like to choose our stichomancy prompts from festively themed sources. This year we’ve opted for Dickens’s classic A Christmas Carol. We wanted to avoid as many humbugs as possible, so these lines might not be instantly recognizable. But for us that’s part of the fun.

  • Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell. Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash!
  • “What, the one as big as me?”
  • pointed from the grave to him, and back again
  • had smelt the goose
  • They were not a handsome family

Tune in next time part 555     Click Here for Earlier Installments

With both Jason and the Pumpkin Spice Latte M&Ms on hand for entertainment, I assumed that Tessa meant we would be dancing to a recording of Metallica. I was wrong. We entered the reception tent to a raucous live metal band. Clash, clang, hammer; ding, dong, bell. Bell, dong, ding; hammer, clang, clash!

“We have to dance over beside that amplifier,” Tessa shouted.

“What, the one as big as me?” I shouted back. “Or the one twice as big?”

The band was incredibly loud. On our way past the buffet table I snagged some marshmallows to use as ear plugs. The strobe light began pulsing as we reached our designated dance floor, and Tessa led me to dance the Robot for what seemed like hours.

Finally, the band waved goodnight and sauntered offstage. While the roadies scurried around, packing up the instruments and readying things for the PSLM², dinner service began. As is Svenborgian tradition, a ceremonial grave had been dug beside the buffet table as incentive for the chef to do a good job. As groom it was my job to threaten the poor man with death should the feast be unsatisfactory. He stood there in his toque and apron, holding a platter of roasted fowl, while I pointed from the grave to him, and back again, reciting the ancient verse.

Our ravenous guests had smelt the goose, and gathered around, impatient for me to finish the rite. They were not a handsome family, largely being Arlo’s relatives, and hunger did not do them any favors. I hurried to complete my speech before things got ugly. Or rather, uglier.

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“I’m Plenty Sleep-Deprived”

  • by jenmy French is *shocking*
  • could give you a turnip
  • basically moving garlic juice around my mouth
  • denied that he had any plans to leave his wife
  • short of getting pregnant or deliberately getting in trouble

Tune in next time part 543     Click Here for Earlier Installments

“I’m plenty sleep-deprived,” I said.

Tessa told Jason to hang onto Arlo’s ankle, then faced me and stared into my eyes. She started murmuring in French, and while my French is shockingly bad for someone educated in a boarding school, I was able to follow most of what she said as she adjusted her alpha waves to sync up with mine. It was oddly hypnotic.

Or perhaps actually hypnotic. The next thing I knew, I was awakening from a trance and Tessa was smiling like a cat who could give you a turnip, but has chosen not to. Obviously she had deciphered the secret message in her memory banks. She gave me a wink, and then turned to the viscount who was still writhing in the damp grass.

“Arlo, I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure, but kissing you is as enjoyable as basically moving garlic juice around my mouth. And I’m allergic to garlic.”

Arlo sniveled, “I can’t believe you’re leaving me for him!” (indicating me). “He’s married, you know, and he has frequently denied that he had any plans to leave his wife!”

“That doesn’t matter,” Tessa said. “Because I’m a robot, and short of getting pregnant or deliberately getting in trouble with the laws of reality some other way, I don’t have to worry about petty human emotions, such as love.”

Even knowing this wasn’t the true Tessa, it hurt to hear her say such things.

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When the Tessabot Showed Me the Black Lingerie

  • by Kentfight the transient river hobos
  • one good, hard jerk
  • friend’s especially thoughtful taco choices
  • get my teeth dirty
  • Mmmm… bean juice.

Tune in next time part 532      Click Here for Earlier Installments

When the Tessabot showed me the black lingerie, the rest of the clue made sense. Her self-destruct mechanism was based on a grenade launcher. But time was running out, to judge by the accelerating beeping noises coming from her.

Henry stood and let the fancy white boot drop from his hands. He stumbled toward the door.

“Hey, we’re not done!” I shouted.

“Sorry!” he cried in reply. “But I’d rather fight the transient river hobos than get blown to bits here with you.” He tripped over the pile of undergarments he’d been trying to steal, then lay there on the floor sobbing in terror.

Tessa’s beeping merged into a single, piercing tone. I sprang up and seized her right arm. Hoping feverishly that my hunch was right about how the launcher was positioned within her, and praying it was a Mark VII model or earlier, I gave her arm one good, hard jerk.

The keening sound stopped, and we were all still there.

“Ow,” Tessa complained. “Are you trying to dislocate my shoulder?”

“Well, yes,” I said, pulling her to her feet. “I’ll make it up to you, once the live explosive device has been removed from your torso.”

We stood there staring into each other’s eyes for a long time. Quite a long time, apparently, because Henry had time to fetch us a celebratory meal. I wondered if the Tessabot was set up for eating as I surveyed my new friend’s especially thoughtful taco choices. I grabbed a hard-shell at random off the tray, ravenous and eager to get my teeth dirty. I chomped, and it leaked down my chin. The Tessabot intercepted the trickle of liquid before it reached my shirt, licking my face clean and murmuring, “Mmmm… bean juice.”

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My Yeti Costume was Uncomfortable and No Longer Necessary

  • by jengiven as a a gift to assorted emperors
  • playful gleam in his dark eyes
  • you are rubbing your shin
  • hardly the strangest or rudest
  • only one manservant

Tune in next time part 501      Click Here for Earlier Installments

My yeti costume was uncomfortable and no longer necessary now that Tatiana had given birth. Everyone here thought I was Jason anyway. I wiggled out of the sweaty fur sheath, which was a difficult thing to do underneath the buffet table. I snatched up my mountaineering boots and put them back on, then crawled to the far end of the table and emerged surreptitiously from my hiding place.

The bidding was up to $2,256,004, and creeping higher.

I heard a very pompous voice that I recognized as King Woody say, “Gherkins like these were given as a gift to assorted emperors and empresses, such as my mother Empress Holly.” He had a playful gleam in his dark eyes, and was standing far too close to Maxine.

“Excuse me,” Maxine said. “But you are rubbing your shin against my thigh and I would like you to stop.”

Woody laughed. “I’m sure it’s hardly the strangest or rudest thing to rub up against you, my dear.”

Maxine alerted a yeti security guard, and it took only one manservant to escort the rude, blustering royal from the auction.

With one fewer bidder, maybe things would move more quickly now.

“Two million two hundred fifty six thousand and five!”

I sighed.

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“And in Conclusion”

Happy belated Solstice!

For this year’s Skelleyverse Holiday Extravaganza On Ice, we’ve decided to combine forces and gift you with one bonus-size edition of our chain story, instead of the usual two smaller entries. Our prompt phrases this time all come from a single source: beloved movie A Christmas Story.

Jen will start. She’ll write until she works in the first phrase, then hand the keyboard over to Kent. We’ll alternate until we get to the end of the list.

Have a joyful season, however you choose to celebrate.

  • I can’t put my arms down
  • Only I didn’t say “fudge”
  • Not a finger!
  • you’ll shoot your eye out
  • this thing in the stock which tells time
  • Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.
  • soft glow of electric sex
  • It’s a major award!
  • I triple-dog-dare you!
  • It was… soap poisoning

Tune in next time part 451 & 452      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“And in conclusion,” YoYo said, “That’s how I know that ‘twins’ are merely a trick done with mirrors.”

“That’s preposterous,” I said. “I myself am a twin.”

YoYo made an elaborate show of looking around the room, lifting the blankets to peer under them, craning her neck all around. “I see only one of you.”

“Jason’s not here,” I said. “We’re identical, not conjoined. He’s off somewhere causing trouble, no doubt.”

YoYo sighed sadly. “I had hoped that you would see things my way and that I would be able to finally stop this endless struggle and lay my weapons aside, but I can’t put my arms down yet. Not so long as people like you are out there denying the truth of yetis and lying about the existence of twins.”

“All I can tell you is, I have never seen a yeti but I have seen lots of twins.” Arguing about this was making my head feel soft. “Maybe we just need to accept each other’s differing views, and move on.”

YoYo pointed to her tarot spread. “You denied this, too. You told me I don’t love you, despite the clear message in these infallible instruments of prophecy!”

“Oh, fudge,” I said. Only I didn’t say “fudge” — what I said was a word in Olde High Contrarian that doesn’t really translate but sounds just like “fudge” and means, basically, “please drop this tedious conversational topic, put your clothes on, and give me a few minutes alone to think.”

“It’s like that, is it?” said YoYo. “Fine, General. Have it your way.” She stood and whipped the blankets out from under the tarot cards like a magician denuding a dining table, leaving the intricate card configuration undisturbed upon the mattress. She gathered the blankets around herself like a robe and gave me a particular kind of salute that used only a single finger. Not a finger! How insubordinate!

“I hope that’s not your trigger finger,” I quipped. “Cuz you’ll shoot your eye out on the target range if it is.”

YoYo flounced from the room in a swirl of bedding. I wondered how she would feel about twins after giving birth to some.

Exhausted from my afternoon’s sweaty exertions, I fell asleep. I was awakened sometime later by the fortress’s dinner bell. I was starving. As I rolled out of bed, I noticed that the tarot cards had been shuffled about by my naptime thrashing (my legs tend to be quite restless). Maybe their new message would dissuade YoYo from the ridiculous notion that she was in love with me. I barely had time to put my pants on before the door swung open and a soldier entered, bearing my meal on a tray. It was a simple meal, merely a small loaf of bread and a bowl of thin soup. I prodded the soup with my spoon and discovered this thing in the stock which tells time. That is to say, a pocket watch. Who could have slipped such an item into my dinner. And why?

I was so hungry that I ate the soup anyway. As I dipped the bread to soften it and then gnawed the soggy loaf, I took a shot at decoding the disarrayed tarot cards on the bed. To my amazement there seemed to be something there, if I treated it as an instance of the soothsayer’s code. B… E… S… U… Maybe I was mistaken about it being meaningful, but I plowed on, spiraling into the center of the chaotic spread. R… E… T… O… And eventually, I had a complete phrase.

“Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.”

Just then came another knock on my door, and a soldier entered bearing a glass of what looked like rich, creamy, chocolate milk.

At this point I became unsure that anything from the past several hours had actually happened. Perhaps those mushrooms hadn’t been aphrodisiac purple rangers. Perhaps they had instead been hallucinogenic purple paladins. But the soft glow of electric sex emanating from my groin told me that at least some of the events had indeed occurred.

“Do you ever have one of those days?” I asked the soldier. “I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“You should apply for the Lost Marbles. It’s a major award! Only the most tragically insane have a shot at winning, but from what the rumor mill is saying about you, General, I think you should enter.”

I surged to my feet in outrage as the yeoman yodeler said, “Enter the contest, General. I triple-dog-dare you!”

The presumptuous soldier quickly set down the glass and darted backwards from my quarters, pulling the door shut behind him. I retrieved the beverage and raised it to my lips, but something about its aroma halted me before sipping. I swirled the drink and took another whiff of the odd bouquet, trying to identify it. The salty broth of my soup, after so much perspiration earlier, had left me quite parched. Whatever type of smoothie the concoction was, it didn’t seem very thirst-quenching, but it was probably better than nothing.

I pinched my nose and chugged it.

There came yet another knock on my door. I burped and said, “Enter.”

It was YoYo. I was very surprised by her return, so soon after our rancorous conversation. She said, “I forgot to tell you this earlier. As I’m sure you know, the last four generals who ran Enigma Fortress died mysteriously.” I did not know this. “The autopsy results have finally come back.” As she spoke, she dug in her pocket and then squinted at a crumpled paper scrap to read it. “It was… soap poisoning.”

I burped again, emitting three tiny bubbles into the room.

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“What Was Her Name?”

  • by Kentby the time the moon sank away
  • other worker won employee of the month
  • tradition would dictate cod here
  • indeed a hero in the eyes of these men
  • the fact that she had eyelashes

Tune in next time part 388      Click Here for Earlier Installments

“What was her name?” I asked the captive. “And don’t waste any breath describing her double-jointed pinkies or the fact that she had eyelashes. Just tell me her name.”

The monastic babysitter cadre whistled and cheered. It seemed I was indeed a hero in the eyes of these men.

“But do you not see?” the French pantomime performer implored. “I never learned her name. And they were quite alike, the sisters, it is true. Only one clue did they give to me about which was which, and that was when we dined together in the train en route in the nighttime to our next show. My angel she ate happily the salmon, but her sister was saying tradition would dictate cod here. And they argue, about this fish and about things I do not know. Only for a moment do they quarrel, and my angel she becomes très quiet, upset to be reminded that the other worker won employee of the month. By the time the moon sank away, I had promised her I would do anything to see her smile once again.”

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