Tagged: cannibal

Like Any Good Bureaucracy

  • by jen(read: glitter storm)
  • visited the forbidden basement
  • I almost gasp
  • murmured to the trembling creature
  • “Gimme a fucking break, girlie!”

Tune in next time part 455      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Like any good bureaucracy, Contraria makes liberal use of red tape. But only in the low country during the week of the new moon every other leap year. The University of Pittsburghistan offers doctorate level studies in proper tape usage, and without a degree from that hallowed institution it’s impossible to enter the diplomatic corps.

This being the Paradoxica Mountains, and the moon being a waxing crescent, with the barometric pressure falling, I needed pale blue tape with multicolored sparkles (read: glitter storm). Enigma Fortress kept their tape in an underground vault behind a door marked “No Admittance: Authorized Personnel Only.” Being the highest ranking officer in the fortress I decided I was authorized, and so visited the forbidden basement to get the consecrated tape and other stationery supplies to file my report.

I almost gasped when I flipped on the fluorescent lights and beheld a shaggy white bear-like beast huddled in the corner. It looked for all the world like a yeti, but that was obviously ridiculous. I approached slowly and murmured to the trembling creature, hoping to get a better look and determine if it was actually a dog or what.

Its growls sounded like a person imitating an animal more than an actual animal. I screwed up my courage and tugged on the furry head. It came right off, exposing the pink bald scalp I had hoped to never see again.

“Arlo!” I spat. “I knew you were behind the poisoning attempt. Why are you disguised as a mythical creature?”

“Gimme a fucking break, girlie!” my nemesis cried. “Everyone knows that yeti are real!”

“I’m assuming you don’t know what they do with yetis here in the mountains.”

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You Can Call Me Isaac

  • by KentNo, Isaac, you know the rules
  • Well — you’re in luck!
  • female cannibal in modern attire
  • vast working knowledge of serial killers
  • conceal her nudity from strangers

Tune in next time part 216                           Click Here for Earlier Installments

“You can call me Isaac,” she replied. Then she threw her head back and laughed. A full minute later she said, “You know, like on–”

“No, Isaac, you know the rules. You’re not allowed to explain your own 80s TV references.”

“… because he was the bartender,” Isaac sulked.

“Listen,” I said, “you have no idea the kind of week I’m having. Actually, it’s been a lot longer than that. I can’t even remember the last time I ate a real meal.”

“Well — you’re in luck!” Isaac said, her mood brightening again. “Just back through that door, in the auxiliary kitchen, you can have a feast. The former chef was a female cannibal in modern attire, with a vast working knowledge of serial killers.”

“Lucky me,” I muttered. “Seriously, I need answers more than food right now.” Especially food that might have once had a driver’s license.

“Her attire was *exceptionally* modern,” Isaac plowed on. “It was really just the notion of clothing, as expressed by its lack. But she did wear an apron when she cooked.”

“To protect herself from grease splatters?”

“No, to conceal her nudity from strangers in the kitchen, who were mostly health inspectors. It didn’t work too well, though, not wrapping around the back. But she never got reported. You know. Cannibal.”

“Isaac? No more games. Tell me who you really are, and how you know so much about my family.”

The bartender put her phone away and drew in a deep breath.

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We Accompanied Uncle Jinx

  • k-avatarin harrowing detail
  • it would have caused bleeding
  • an avid gambler
  • (Perhaps typewriters
  • But if she told Mrs. Dunne about the toothbrush

Tune In Next Time Part 45                              Click Here for Earlier Installments

We accompanied Uncle Jinx to the church basement, where it seemed he was now living. Jason had been installed as a priest in order to keep a lookout for enemies who might infiltrate the congregation. Lyudmila tried to ask him about the ninja pirate splinter cell, but he hung his head and made no reply. At least now she knew which of us was which.

Sitting on the aquamarine faux-leather sectional, we sipped green tea while Jinx Damocles explained in harrowing detail how he lived through the plane crash and made his way out of the remote mountains, forced to barter his left arm for a ride in a cannibal’s canoe. Then his months of “rehabilitation” in the care of Ophelia Dunne, wife of a notorious dental hygienist and an avid gambler. Mr. Dunne provided him with floss and a toothbrush, of course, but the brush had brass bristles. Had he used it, it would have caused bleeding gums. Jinx confided in Stacy, the hygienist’s housekeeper, about his torments. But if she told Mrs. Dunne about the toothbrush, it came to nothing.

The hygienist used a label maker to punch out long, cryptic messages to his overseers. (Perhaps typewriters were deemed a security risk.) From a shelf on the wall, Jinx Damocles took down a bin labeled “kittens and spiders.” Removing the lid, he showed us that it contained a series of ever-smaller bins, nested like dolls. The second was labeled “musical turtles of electromagnetism.”

“Now that you’re here,” he summed up, “we can crack the code.”

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I Think Our Troublesome Renegade

  • k-avatarthe priest tucked her in
  • profusely awkward
  • our troublesome renegade
  • display her milk-heavy udders
  • you did it up brown!
  • they are also cannibals

“I think our troublesome renegade will like this room. It should make her feel at home.”

Sheila followed Stefan into the upstairs bedroom, eager to see the redecorating. “You did it up brown!” she squealed, knowing instantly that Tarantella would indeed like it. And without any curtains, it would be profusely awkward for the horny savage to display her milk-heavy udders to Father Shultz at naptime when the priest tucked her in.

“Oh, it’s perfect,” she murmured. “Stefan, you know so much about poor ‘Tella’s people, and their preference for earthtones. They are religiously attached to somber colors.”

“They are also cannibals, so tell Shultzy to be careful.”

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“Please,” I Begged

  • k-avataryet oddly not hard
  • a huge eel lay on the table
  • like a slender cherub
  • slowly and most wickedly
  • don’t be cruel to me
  • her brows, nostrils, lips

“Please,” I begged, “don’t be cruel to me.”

Her response to my supplication registered slowly and most wickedly in tiny movements of her brows, nostrils, lips, and ears. Finally she marched her fingers across my exposed thigh, her dainty hand looking like a slender cherub.

A huge eel lay on the table beside me. Being dead, it wasn’t strapped down. Being alive, I was.

The woman’s fingers had crossed my lap and attained their objective, curling around the haft of a long knife. It was hard to believe she meant to eat me, yet oddly not hard.

“At least tell me your name,” I stammered.

“Minerva,” she sighed, carving a thick steak from the eel without taking her eyes off of mine.

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The Meeting Was Getting Out of Hand

  • k-avatara variety of lovely agonies
  • being the whore
  • the man with the severed leg
  • an unnatural child born of an unnatural act
  • the cacophony of activity
  • kill him and eat him

The meeting was getting out of hand. The man with the severed leg stood up and waved the bloody thing over his head, screaming. Clay thought the note-taker was likely to kill him and eat him.

Finally the CEO called for order, which somewhat diminished the cacophony of activity. His thunderous voice carried over the tumult. “This is an unnatural child born of an unnatural act, surely in fact from a variety of lovely agonies. In short, a monster.”

Wild cheers met this proclamation. Being the whore he was, the CEO let it wash over him for a full minute. Finally…

“It is my pleasure to announce your promotion, Clay. Don’t ever change.”

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Francine’s Toes Hurt

  1. by jenCharacter – South American cannibal
  2. Setting – submarine
  3. Object – lucky rabbit’s foot
  4. Situation – new shoes today

Francine’s toes hurt. The new “sensible” shoes were worse than her old heels.

Stopping her pacing, Francine leaned against the wall of the submarine passageway and felt the faint vibration. They would be in Caracas soon.

Francine rubbed her lucky rabbit’s foot and thought about what it would be like to be reunited with Stanley after all this time.

The mix-up, last time, had been unbelievable but understandable. Stanley and Ngegue looked exactly the same. Still it was embarrassing to explain to both the Bridge Club and Stanley’s mother that she had mistaken a South American cannibal for her own husband.

No matter. Everything was about to be put right. Ngegue would go back to his tribe, Stanley and Francine would return to the State Department.

Francine wondered, though, whether Stanley would ever live up to Ngegue’s performance in the sack.

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