Tagged: ambassador

Like Any Good Bureaucracy

  • by jen(read: glitter storm)
  • visited the forbidden basement
  • I almost gasp
  • murmured to the trembling creature
  • “Gimme a fucking break, girlie!”

Tune in next time part 455      Click Here for Earlier Installments

Like any good bureaucracy, Contraria makes liberal use of red tape. But only in the low country during the week of the new moon every other leap year. The University of Pittsburghistan offers doctorate level studies in proper tape usage, and without a degree from that hallowed institution it’s impossible to enter the diplomatic corps.

This being the Paradoxica Mountains, and the moon being a waxing crescent, with the barometric pressure falling, I needed pale blue tape with multicolored sparkles (read: glitter storm). Enigma Fortress kept their tape in an underground vault behind a door marked “No Admittance: Authorized Personnel Only.” Being the highest ranking officer in the fortress I decided I was authorized, and so visited the forbidden basement to get the consecrated tape and other stationery supplies to file my report.

I almost gasped when I flipped on the fluorescent lights and beheld a shaggy white bear-like beast huddled in the corner. It looked for all the world like a yeti, but that was obviously ridiculous. I approached slowly and murmured to the trembling creature, hoping to get a better look and determine if it was actually a dog or what.

Its growls sounded like a person imitating an animal more than an actual animal. I screwed up my courage and tugged on the furry head. It came right off, exposing the pink bald scalp I had hoped to never see again.

“Arlo!” I spat. “I knew you were behind the poisoning attempt. Why are you disguised as a mythical creature?”

“Gimme a fucking break, girlie!” my nemesis cried. “Everyone knows that yeti are real!”

“I’m assuming you don’t know what they do with yetis here in the mountains.”

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Lyudmila Speared Me With Her Gaze

  • k-avatarescape from one calamity
  • in a variety of frownings and snortings
  • I’d like to have another kiss
  • no longer aimless
  • “I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime.”

Tune In Next Time Part 39                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Lyudmila speared me with her gaze through the sights of her pistol, and I could tell she recognized me instantly. Secret service agents began diving on top of Freya, thinking they were protecting the president. Soon they were heaped up to the ceiling. Aunt Züg flung herself behind the dogpile.

That left just Lyudmila, the phony Tessa, and me.

The strange noise coming from Not-Tessa climbed in pitch and volume, then she bolted for the exit, moving with superhuman speed. Rather than give chase, Lyudmila kept me squarely in her sights and approached. “Forget her,” she said, still training the weapon on me. “Let’s go, back steps.”

Story of my life, to escape from one calamity by being engulfed in another. At least this meant the conspirators in the White House didn’t have the real treasure, which was with the real Tessa. I hoped. As she directed me along the passages, Lyudmila finished ridding herself of cake and toothpaste in a variety of frownings and snortings. “You don’t need the gun,” I told her. “I should be thanking you.”

“Shut up,” she said. “Do you know what I’ve been through to track you down? And where the hell is John?” I shrugged, my thoughts and concerns now aimless. Much as I worried about Tessa, I couldn’t help thinking how I’d like to have another kiss from Lyudmila. “Well? Where is John!” she demanded.

“You told me to shut up,” I said. “And anyway, I have no idea where he is, or Tessa. And I think we need to find them.” My concerns were no longer aimless. “Something’s going on here, and one or both of them are mixed up in it.”

Suddenly Lyudmila collapsed in tears. She holstered the Glock and said, “Don’t you think I know that?” After three great, heaving sobs, she said, “I screwed up. I screwed up bigtime.”

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Tessa Lowered Her Hood As Directed

  • by jenShe trembled and twitched
  • throb of blood-vessels in my ears
  • worms were in a frenzy
  • the nude celebrity site
  • Others were silent.

Tune In Next Time Part 38                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

Tessa lowered her hood as directed, and stood. Something about her seemed wrong, her movements were not the fluid, graceful motions of the girl I knew so long ago. She trembled and twitched, her skin seeming to crawl across her frame. The throb of blood-vessels in my ears sounded as if my head were packed full of worms and the worms were in a frenzy. I hadn’t been this disturbed since the time I saw my father’s scandalous pictures on the nude celebrity site.

“Never mind about those ninjas and pirates,” I said, forgetting to employ Jason’s trademark lisp. “That’s not Tessa! That’s an impostor!”

Not-Tessa twisted her head to look at me, emitting a faint keening sound. Some of the secret service agents began muttering into their radios. Others were silent.

“Then I suppose we are all impostors!” The voice came from the direction of the birthday cake on the table, which suddenly erupted, pelting us all with chocolate crumbs and minty blue frosting. On the platter, Lyudmila, contortionist and John’s sister, finished unfolding herself and stood, brandishing a Glock.

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The Body of Water Mother Was Pointing At

  • k-avatarother worker won employee of the month
  • please put your hood back on
  • we’re trying to make our own luck
  • bedeck me in the other world
  • posted images of a coded note card

Tune In Next Time Part 37                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

The body of water Mother was pointing at was officially known as the Sea of Imbroglio, which was the nearest my father would ever come to a memorial. It formed in the same cataclysmic events that expanded and merged the Great Lakes, eradicated Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Michigan, and took Father’s life. Mother wept at its mere mention. Now it was to be the staging ground for her next big scheme?

The truth struck me like a jai-alai serve to the head. This wasn’t Mother, it was her twin sister, Aunt Züg! That was why she failed to recognize Freya or me. I squinted at Freya, trying to read her awareness of the ruse. Without the sitting president to back my play, it was too risky calling out Aunt Züg’s deception.

“Tessa, darling,” the ersatz Ambassador to South Dakota said, “have you seen Jason’s brother at all lately? I promised him to Jorgensen when this is all over.” Tessa shook her head. “I see. Now, please put your hood back on. Listen up, all of you. The recipe for revolution is three parts chance and two parts ideology, and we’re trying to make our own luck. None of us can afford to slouch like some other worker won employee of the month. It’s no use crying, ‘Let them bedeck me in the other world with ribbons and medals,’ for it’s in this world that the Ambassador to North Dakota posted images of a coded note card showing, we believe, the only weakness in his citadel’s defenses. It’s these ninjas and pirates whose alliance we must exploit. And it’s the precious treasure brought to us by Tessa — please lower your hood now — that makes it all possible!”

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“That’s All Very Impressive, I’m Sure, Jason.”

  • by jenon this green, almost transparent sea
  • Whenever she wore pants
  • we could be dead by morning
  • makes me want to move to South Dakota
  • bloodless cheeks

Tune In Next Time Part 36                             Click Here for Earlier Installments

“That’s all very impressive, I’m sure, Jason,” said my mother, the former president and current Ambassador to South Dakota. “But do you really think this a time to be spitting mad flow? We could be dead by morning, all of us.”

The fact that my own mother couldn’t tell me apart from my twin is not something that makes me want to move to South Dakota, that’s for sure. But I didn’t say that out loud. Out loud I said, “Word,” and crossed my arms over my chest in my best imitation of Jason’s ludicrous posturing.

If Tessa’s bloodless cheeks were any indication, she had not expected Mother’s arrival. The poor girl was trembling. That was good news for me, as it kept her attention off of me.

Whenever she wore pants, my sister Freya was practically indistinguishable from her brother Thor, but that should not have fooled our mother, so her next statement surprised me. “Thor,” she said, turning her withering gaze to Freya, “the Pirate-Ninja Alliance are in formation on this green, almost transparent sea.” She indicated a swath of ocean off the South Dakota coast.

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I Think This Paragraph

  • k-avatarthis paragraph is about the plot
  • A feeling of dreamy peacefulness
  • Hot punch is a pleasant thing
  • The ambassador has a good nose
  • ruined it all at Homecoming

“I think this paragraph is about the plot against the ambassador,” Herman said, pointing to a passage of gibberish. “If we could decode it, you’d see. I mean it must be something nefarious, otherwise it wouldn’t be written in such a fiendish code.”

“The ambassador has a good nose for plots, and he doesn’t look worried,” I replied. “In fact, he looks quite relaxed. A feeling of dreamy peacefulness came over me, just from seeing the expression on his face. He was that calm.”

“I blame the punchbowl. Although I should blame all those invited to the soiree, who all failed to show up. The ambassador and his silly sense of duty not to let all that punch go to waste.”

“Hot punch is a pleasant thing, and it was cooling off. Besides, the desertion of the entire guest contingent is your fault.”

“Me!”

“Yes, Herman, you. With your alarmist rhetoric about plots. Just because of one cryptogram. Really, you might have kept your voice down.”

Herman chewed his mustache. “You’re right, Max. I always overreact, and it ruins things. I ruined the ambassador’s fete with my fretting, just like I ruined it all at Homecoming.”

I tutted. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Remember, someone really did release porcupines in the ductwork at Homecoming. You should have been hailed a hero.”

Herman shrugged. “Do you know, the ambassador was there? Well, he was just the jester in the Homecoming court at the time, but he hung around the gym after everyone else stormed off.”

Of course he did, I thought. There was an unattended punchbowl.

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